Hilary Anne Ladd

The Spiritual Formation of the Leader (e*g)

2009-04-18T16:29:00.002-03:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Green Online Worship Values Course with Dan Wilt.

I’m going on retreat tomorrow at InTheStillness in St. Martin’s, New Brunswick. I’ve been looking forward to it for a while, and find the timing of this section of the course very interesting.

Something that Dan mentioned a few times in his videos was the idea that the leader’s interior life must become larger than their exterior life. I recognize that it is a treat to be able to go away like this. I hope that during these days that I build habits that I am able to make part of my routine. I’m looking forward to examining the “movements of my soul”, as Ignatius would put it, in peace and stillness. I am especially excited to have time and space to walk, rest, sing, play guitar, dance, explore and enjoy. Oh, how my soul is smiling!

The value of Kingdom Expectation... (e*g)

2009-04-12T23:19:00.001-03:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Green Online Worship Values Course with Dan Wilt.

Sometimes I get frustrated with our attitude towards the Church and what we do when we gather together. It’s like I have a tug-of-war in my heart: I know that we are meant to love the Church as She is, and, that we should be unsatisfied with where She is at, so as to ensure that we are continuing to be transformed. Sometimes it seems like we have become so completely comfortable with the way things are that we cannot even muster up the passion to hope for Heaven to invade earth as we worship together.

Only, how can we ask our communities to actively expect the in-breaking of the Kingdom during our gatherings if we never talk about it? In the back of our minds, we know that worship is a Kingdom activity, and yet we have become such complacent worshipers that we can go week after week without seeing any signs of the Kingdom and not even be fazed by it. That’s not alright! I know that we need to maintain our focus on God Himself and not on what He does, but to not yearn to see His Kingdom in action seems a little contradictory. Thoughts?

I’ve been thinking about accessibility and cultural relevance.. (e*g)

2009-04-03T17:38:00.003-03:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Green Online Worship Values Course with Dan Wilt.

Last weekend my old youth group asked if I would come lead worship after their monthly “HardStone Cafe”. There were a few guys who had come to play at the cafe who stuck around afterward for the sleepover. Which meant that they would be there for our time of musical worship. I didn’t know who they were, who they had come with, or what they were about. I knew that they were not the usual youth group kids. A lot of the crowd that comes to the cafe are into metal and like to smoke pot. Not really the type that would willingly subject themselves to music about Jesus.

A few thoughts came to my head at once:

First, did they know what they were getting into? Last year while I was helping to lead this youth group, the kids had developed a real comfort in worshiping with one another. It was really amazing to see them open up and let themselves loose before God as the year went on. It was different every time - "as distinctive as wine from a bottle, not as generic as Coke from a can!"1 - sometimes they would just soak it all in, sometimes they would giggle and dance around, sometimes they would fervently intercede and pray with one another. I never know what to expect when it comes to these kids and God. It is not a static experience!

Second, are the kids going to feel free to give themselves fully to Father if they feel like they’re being watched?

What followed couldn’t have been more opposite than what I had expected. I’ll be honest in saying that I was a little anxious about their presence, although still trusting that God knew what He was doing even if I didn’t. I asked a couple girls to pray with me about my anxiety, and that these guys would somehow be blessed by what we were about to do.

While I was setting up, (I had forgotten all my music and overheads, and someone else had taken the sound system that night) the boys were still jamming from the cafe. I didn’t know how to transition - “hey guys, maybe you could stop so we can sing some Christian songs now?” Besides, they were really good, and I was enjoying listening to them.

Everyone had gathered by then, and I was grateful when the youth leader, Jon, said that he was going to pray and we were going to start. He prayed, and I started singing, trying to choose songs that most people knew the words to. I was aware that the guys were still in the room, and I was completely at peace. The songs were flowing, people were singing. It was a really sweet time. (Not sweet, like “awesome”; more like honey).

Somewhere in the middle I started singing “When I Survey”. I knew that most people wouldn’t know the words, but I knew that I still had to sing it. The stillness in the room was incredible - not a sound, as I sang my heart out, and tears began to slide down my cheeks.

When we had finished, the guys stood and walked out without saying much. I wasn’t sure what kind of impact it had had on them.

The next day when I checked my email, one of the guys had written on my wall on facebook. It said, “hey, I just thought I'd let you know that when you were playing that big medley of songs after the cafe this weekend, I don't think I've ever heard anything so packed with genuine emotion and inspiration. That helped me understand why people are religious.”

Father is so incredibly powerful. He amazes me every time I lead people in worship. He took my feeble efforts, my disorganization, my apprehension, and opened the doorway for these guys to see what a relationship with God can look like. That it doesn’t have to be boring, or restrictive, or any of the other pre-conceived ideas they have about God and His Church. That it’s for real.

Dan wrote about cultural relevance being the art of creating atmospheres that are authentic and that build bridges for those can cannot build them for themselves.2 I'm really glad that God's a bridge builder, and that He gets us to help Him build them sometimes.

1. Eddie Gibbs. Time in a Bottle: Reflections on Worship. (Vineyard Music: Inside Worship: Volume 44, 2001) p.251.
2. Dan Wilt. Essentials in Worship Leadership: The Values of Accessibility and Cultural Relevance. (New Brunswick: St. Stephen’s University, 2009) p.5.

I've been thinking about integrity and intimacy.. (e*g)

2009-03-28T18:14:00.003-03:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Green Online Worship Values Course with Dan Wilt.

“It never fails to surprise me that my capacity to portray something on the outside that is not alive on the inside is still present after all of these years of leadership. The art of integrity is the art of being the same person in private as we are in public. What God and the angels know of us is infinitely more important than what men and women think of us (Horace Mann). Integrity in worship means that we are a consistent people – we don’t just sing what we believe, we sing what we already live.”1

Every worship leader goes through seasons of being on fire, and then just feeling satisfied, and then finally we fall into complacency. Yet somehow we manage to keep our chin up and make it through without anyone noticing that we aren’t living what we’re singing. What is it about being able to play guitar or sing that makes people think you’re “super holy” all of a sudden? And why isn’t it acceptable for us to have a bad day once in a while?

We sing things like “We must go live to feed the hungry”2 and “Broken I come to You”3, and we don’t feed the hungry or admit when we’re struggling. When we are not willing to be transparent with one another, community does not work. When we are not authentic with one another in our joys and our struggles, we don’t bear fruit.

I wonder what would happen if we stopped pretending that everything was alright. Maybe if we sang about what we were already living, whether that was about being justice makers or sinners in need of a Saviour, we would start to grow.

As worship leaders, our role is to create spaces for people to encounter God. If we are not in that space ourselves, it’ll be difficult to invite others in. Therefore, we must ask, “Is my life lining up with the lyrics? With what we’re communicating? Am I pursuing a life of purity?”4

Leading worship is about so much more than singing songs. We must be aware of the state of our inner-world. Brian Doerksen quotes 1 John 4:16-21 saying, “if we say we love God whom we can’t see, and don’t love our brother in need whom we can, our psalm is false.”5

Lord, let our psalms be found true..

(1) Dan Wilt, Essentials in Worship Leadership: The Values of Intimacy and Integrity. (New Brunswick: St. Stephen’s University), p. 8.
(2) Tim Hughes, God of Justice.
(3) Kathryn Scott, Hungry.
(4) Dan Wilt, Essentials in Worship Leadership: The Values of Intimacy and Integrity. (New Brunswick: St. Stephen’s University), video.
(5) Brian Doersken, Integrity. (New Brunswick: St. Stephen’s University), video.

Today...

2009-03-26T21:55:00.001-03:00

Today, I wore flip flops. It was glorious. My toes were free to wiggle. The sun was shining. I sat outside on the front steps and played guitar with the sun in my eyes. Spring is here!

Hi, my name is Hilary, and I'm an ecoholic.

2009-02-19T20:19:00.004-04:00

Working in the Starbucks attached to Indigo has its perks...groovy ambiance, interesting customers, fun neighbours. It also has its downfalls...temptation.

I recently bought a book called "Ecoholic [when you're addicted to the planet]" by Adria Vasil.

I can't put it down. It's fantastic, terrible (ie: convicting), and addictive. If you know me at all, you'll know that I am definitely an ecoholic. This book is definitely adding some more fuel to my fire.

I've only read the first two sections, but I thought I'd leave you with some of the handy links I've come across so far.

For Eco-friendly beauty tips and supplies:

forever-natural.com
kissmyface.com
classicshaving.com (for the men)
pioneerthinking.com
nottoopretty.org

For Eco-friendly clothing, shoes and accessories:

loomstate.org
deborahlindquist.com
thegreenloop.com
cocosshoppe.com
pangaya.com
twice-shy.com
underthecanopy.com
rawganique.com
oqoqo.com
notjustpretty.com
nearseanaturals.com
heroineclothing.com
simpleshoes.com
splaff.com
snootyjewelry.com

Of course, when you want fair-trade/organic anything, you know it's going to be more expensive. The question is if you think it's worth it. It all costs someone - whether it's a slave labourer or my wallet....

I'm struggling....I know what's right. And I know what's easy.

Baby steps...

2009-01-25T18:34:00.001-04:00

I caved.
And made a myspace music account.
You can find it here.
http://www.myspace.com/hilaryanneladd

Final Project

2008-12-06T21:50:00.007-04:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Red Online Worship History Course with Dan Wilt.

I’ve grown extremely frustrated with the church lately. Dissatisfied, really. Isaiah chapter 58 has really spoken to me in the last year. If God was enraged by Israel’s way of worshipping, empty and just for show, how much more frustrated is He with us? We have so many resources, and yet we do not share them with others. We invest in our buildings, in our programs, and our literal neighbours are living in mold-infested apartments. How did we get so disconnected? We ask God to heal us from our infirmities, and do nothing to prevent our neighbours from getting pneumonia. Then we get upset with Him for not answering our prayers, when we don’t even obey Him in the simplest of commandments. We’re spoiled. Christ died so we could have life, and we complain about it.

He is so gracious. He tells us exactly what we need to do in order for our lives to get better. To feed the hungry, clothe the naked, shelter the homeless, love our families. It’s not that complicated, and yet it’s still so hard for us to grasp.

I realize that this song is not exactly something to lead people in singing. I also realize that it’s quite confrontational. I’m still not sure how to implement this song to enrich the worship experience of my community. All I know is that this is the song that God has placed on my heart.

One of the things that we talked about in this course was the important of reading Scripture for the sake of reading Scripture, not for the purpose of preaching on it. I know that what I have done with the lyrics of this song is far from what the Scriptures actually say. What I wanted to accomplish was to express the heart of this passage. There are so many emotions in this passage that are easy to miss. This passage is full of passion, despair, angry, fury, sadness, perseverance, direction, and hope. Scripture can speak for itself. Sometimes we just need to hear it in our own language for it to connect.

Father, I’m sorry that we so often fail to obey You.
Jesus, I thank You for Your blood that covers all sins, past, present, and future.
Spirit, strengthen us to live in Your will.

Here's a link to the mp3 and chord chart...

I've been thinking about music...

2008-11-28T21:09:00.002-04:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Red Online Worship History Course with Dan Wilt.

"If you had to be either blind or deaf, which would you choose?"

I know that my heart is moved when I hear a choir singing in a cathedral...
At the sound of an orchestra...
And fine opera...
At a pure voice singing an Irish lullaby with a concertina...
The sweet sound of a hammered dulcimer resonating in open space..

I am also nearly brought to tears at the sight of a red and purple sky in the morning...
The moon sparkling on the ocean...
Snow-peaked mountains...

All these things are capable of drawing my spirit heavenward. And yet I know that were I required to choose, I would retain my hearing. For there is nothing that moves me more than music.

-------

I’ve been having a really hard time with words lately. I feel as though we have exhausted the English language. There just doesn’t seem to be enough words to express all the things I want to express. I’ve been struggling lately to write because I feel like we’ve used up all the words, and they don’t even mean anything anymore. And when I do come up with lyrics, it isn’t anything new or fresh - it’s just muscle memory in my mouth.

Father, I need new words.

I know that God has given me a new language, but it’s not of much use when I’m trying to explain things to other people. I want to be able to express beauty and wonder in such a way that icy hearts melt and turn to Father in repentance.

I recognize the power that music has to unleash our hearts. I know that it is able to bypass our minds,(1) but I’m not sure I want to pass by brains. I want to engage them, too. But is it better to have hearts unleashed while brains are held captive and hope that their heart’s freedom will somehow find its way to the mind? Is it even wise to unleash the heart without an understanding of its capacity? Not that I actually have any control over other peoples’ hearts, but I acknowledge that Father works through my music. I trust that He is in control of both the heart and the mind’s freedom.

At the same time, I know that He has given us power and authority to bring Truth and Freedom. Therefore, I do not want to ignore the mind in favour of the heart. While music may be my first worship language, I wish to be more disciplined in exploring the other languages so as to ensure that I have a more holistic view and experience of worship - without which I would not be able to lead others in worship.

Father, thank You so much for the gift of music, and how it is able to pierce our hearts even when we are guarded. I also know that it has great capacity to manipulate as well. Please, give us wisdom as we lead Your people in worship. Protect us from worshiping the music that was written to worship You. Help us to use the gift of art to its fullest potential, all for Your glory. Open my lips, and my mouth will declare Your praise. In Jesus' name. Amen.

(1) Wilt, Dan. Essentials in Worship History: The Language of Music. (St. Stephen, NB: St. Stephen’s University, 2008.) 4.

I've been thinking about sacraments...

2008-11-21T14:43:00.000-04:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Red Online Worship History Course with Dan Wilt.

I like the phrase "sign-acts" better, actually. (1) I've never been really sure about sacraments. Never really knew what they meant. I always thought that they were kind of boring traditions. I always knew that they meant something important, but I guess they'd never really been explained to me in a meaningful way. Apparently the Greek word for sacrament in the Bible is mysterion, ie: mystery. But what is really refers to is "the secret thoughts of God, which transcend human reason and therefore must be revealed to those whom God wishes these secrets to reach." (2) I guess sacraments aren't so boring...

Here's something that really sums it up for me.

“We need to be shown... the love of God is made visible to us through actions. Just as we depend on the handshake, the kiss, and the embrace to express our love so others can recognize it, so we depend upon sacraments to know the love of God. We make human love visible by acting it out; divine love is no different. Distinctions between the act and love itself soon disappear. The kiss becomes love itself, the act is part of the emotion. The loving deed is love made visible. The sacraments are God’s love made visible.” (3)

The point isn't the act. It's that God chooses to use material things to communicate His love for us. Sacraments are beautiful acts that Jesus did Himself and told us to do, too.

(1) White, James F. Introduction to Christian Worship. (Nashville: Arbingdon Press, 2000) 175.
(2) White, James F. Introduction to Christian Worship. (Nashville: Arbingdon Press, 2000) 181.
(3) White, James F. Introduction to Christian Worship. (Nashville: Arbingdon Press, 2000) 198.

I've been thinking about prayer and scripture...

2008-11-14T22:07:00.004-04:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Red Online Worship History Course with Dan Wilt.

Memo to the Disorganized

If my private world is in order,

it will be because I have courageously confronted

the messiness of my ways of living and

chosen to bring them under rigorous discipline.

- Gordon MacDonald,Ordering Your Private World (1)

I'm sure you've already made note of this, but I'm going to point it out anyway: our culture is obsessed with individuality. The last time I checked, I'm pretty sure the Holy Spirit said that we weren't to conform to the patterns of this world.(2) So why on earth has the Church decided to become so individualistic in their worship? Like now it's all about how you feel, what you get out of it, if the music suits your needs, ie. wants. (I could just as easily be saying "I" or "my" in those sentences.)

I'm really getting quite concerned with the similarities between the Church and the World these days. Some days I feel as though we're regressing. I know that there are always ups and downs, but it feels like we've been going downhill for quite some time.

I really don't mean to sound so hopeless. Truly. What confounds me, though, is that the communities that do choose to engage in corporate prayer and scripture reading regularly don't seem to value it, and those communities that choose not to don't seem to realize what they're missing. Either way, present or not, the significance of public prayer and scripture reading seems to have been lost.

So the question, then, is not "are we integrating prayer and scripture reading into our worship", but "is our prayer and scripture reading truly worshipful"?

(1) MacDonald, Gordon. Ordering Your Private World. (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, Inc., 2003) 26.

(2) Romans 12:2.

I've been thinking about space and time...

2008-11-07T16:46:00.007-04:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Red Online Worship History Course with Dan Wilt.

Memo to the Disorganized
If my private world is in order, it will be because I am convinced that the inner world of the spiritual must govern the outer world of activity.
- Gordon MacDonald, Ordering Your Private World

It seems like no matter what I'm reading right now, it all points to the importance of being intentional about my spiritual disciplines - or "holy habits" as Tony Campolo calls them. In the book he co-wrote with Mary Albert Darling called The God of Intimacy and Action, he wrote "(a)nything is a spiritual practice or holy habit if done 1) Intentionally, 2) Over time with regularity, 3) With the goal of being formed into Christ-likeness, 4) With the result (fruit) of growing in love for God and others".(1)

All my life I have thrived on spontaneity. I still love it. All my life I've also really struggled with stability. Connection? Hmm. Throughout my teens I was constantly going from one thing to another, trying to figure out who I was. I was frantic. Routine was a dirty word. It has only been in the last two years or so that I have begun to consider embracing routine as part of my life. You can probably tell that I am still very hesitant about the whole idea.

But as I grow more comfortable with patterns in my life, I am becoming more aware of myself and of how God works in me. He really is a God of order. I don't think it every really occurred to me that if He is an orderly being that I am supposed to be orderly as well - that I will be most satisfied when most organized in my life.

I think God's trying to tell me something...I'm really excited to be learning about the ancient practices of worship. To look at the patterns of worship in the last two thousand years. Maybe even longer than that. To see what has worked, what hasn't. To glean what I can from this wealth of knowledge. To use the history of the church in truly living as a Salvific Storyteller.(2) To repeat, reclaim, and remember(3) our Redemption Story as an act of worship to God in itself, and to learn how to worship Him more holistically.

In another book I am reading called Introduction to Christian Worship by James F. White, there's a lot about how the architecture of a building will reflect what sort of worship will take place in it. There are so many different parts of worshipping corporately that it is hard to accommodate them all within one building.

Liturgical space, gathering space, musical and visual space, and sacramental space.(5) He says that architecture provides both opportunity and limitation to corporate worship. That perhaps the use of pews in churches has conditioned worshippers throughout the ages not to move in worship because of their constraining nature.(6)

I wonder what it would take to rethink our present corporate worship facilities to revamp them in such a way as to reflect our worshipping priorities... I wonder what that would look like. The first picture that came into my head was of a huge table with chairs all around it, piled high with celebratory food and drink. It seems to me that the central act of corporate worship in the New Testament was breaking bread together. Of course this is still only one aspect of worship, and it is something that we celebrate in the modern church, but I would really like to see it done as a real meal rather than as an act of remembrance about a meal.

Another part of worship that I feel has been somewhat cheapened is the art of story-telling. I love the picture of the New Testament church gathering around and reading and re-reading the Gospels and the Epistles to one another. The act of reading Scripture aloud has been reduced to merely indicating which portion of Scripture will be preached on at a service rather than being read as an act of worship in itself. I would really love to see this tradition brought back to life...

(1) MacDonald, Gordon. Ordering Your Private World. (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, Inc., 2003) 9.
(2)Campolo, Tony & Darling, Mary Albert. The God of Intimacy and Action. (San Fransisco: Jossey-Bass, 2007) 77.
(3) Wilt, Dan. Essentials in Worship Theology and Biblical Worldview: The Nature of Human Beings. (St. Stephen's University, New Brunswick, Canada: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, 2008) 7.
(4) Wilt, Dan. Essentials in Worship History and Creative Vocation: The Language of Time. (St. Stephen's University, New Brunwick, Canada: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, 2008) 5.
(5) Wilt, Dan. Essentials in Worship History and Creative Vocation: The Language of Space. (St. Stephen's University, New Brunswick: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, 2008) 12-13.
(6) White, James F. Introduction to Christian Worship. (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2000) p.82-83.

Matthew 25:31-46

2008-11-05T10:06:00.002-04:00

Let me set the scene. This is during the last month, probably the last weeks of Jesus’ ministry. It’s almost time for him to head to the cross. He’s just ridden triumphantly into Jerusalem on a donkey. Thrown over the money-changers tables in the temple. Cursed a fig tree. And now he’s back hanging out at the Temple. And the Pharisees and the Sadducees keep taking turns asking him questions and trying to make him stumble on his words so that they have a reason to arrest him, because they know the crowd would get really ticked if they did.

So they question him about his authority, and about paying taxes, and the resurrection of the dead, and the greatest commandment in the Law. And all their attempts to prove him wrong backfire on them, and they’re getting super annoyed. And in the midst of all of this, Jesus is telling all of these parables, these stories about usurping tenants, and ungrateful wedding guests, and lazy servants. And they know that he’s talking about them. And he tells them that prostitutes and tax collectors are getting into the Kingdom before them, and that the first will be last and the last will be first. And then he goes off on them, calling them hypocrites, blind guides, snakes, brood of vipers. He tells them that they’ve completely missed the point. That their following the law is useless without true justice, mercy and faithfulness. And at this point, Jesus is getting super passionate, and heartbroken, and he cries out to Jerusalem, longing to gather her into his arms, like a hen gathers her chicks. And he’s just broken that his people have strayed so far away from his Father.

And then he leaves, probably to be alone and rejuvenate with his Father. But as he’s going his disciples come up to him, and they’re all, “Hey look at the Temple! Isn’t it awesome?” And Jesus says, “Do you see all these things? Truly I tell you, not one stone here will be left on another; every one will be thrown down.” And I can just imagine how Jesus must be feeling. He’s been bombarded with questions from the religious leaders, and has just gotten really angry with them because they were more concerned with tithing from their spice rack than showing love to a leper. And all his disciples can think of is how beautiful this building is, their center of worship is. They’ve completely missed the point.

And so Jesus is sitting on the Mount of Olives, and his disciples come and ask him when the end of the world is going to be, and how they’ll be able to tell when Jesus is coming back. And he tells them to be on their guard, and to watch out for false messiahs, and that there will be an increase of wickedness, and that the love of most will grow cold, but that they are to hold strong in love.

Then he tells two parables in a row. And they both say the same thing. The first is the parable of the Ten Virgins who take their lamps to go wait for the bridegroom to come. And he says to be like the wise virgins who brought extra oil, because the ones who didn’t bring enough missed the bridegroom while they went to find more oil because their lamps were going out. And when they knocked on the door, they weren’t allowed in. The bridegroom said, I don’t know you.

The second parable is about three servants who’s master gave them each varying amounts of money to look after while he went away. And two of them doubled the money they were given and were rewarded greatly. And one buried it in the ground because he was afraid of losing it. And he was seriously punished. All he had was taken away and given to the servant with the most, and he was cast out into the darkness.

Then comes the story of the sheep and the goats. This is the climax. He’s been talking about all the stuff that is going to happen and how we should behave before he returns. And now he says what will happen when he returns. He says,

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

I think that this passage can be misunderstood sometimes. First misconception: that he’s only talking about unbelievers. But he says “all the nations”..and I don’t think he’s exaggerating here or anything. I’m pretty sure he means all nations. In Matthew 12:33-37, Jesus talks about how all people will have to give account on the day of judgement. I think this passage is a picture of what will happen. Again, there’s this separation between wise and foolish, faithful and unfaithful. Except this time he’s a lot more explicit. In the other 2 parables, it’s all imagery. But this section is really concrete. It’s not between some obscure master and servant, but between Jesus and all the people’s of the earth. And what it all seems to come down to is were you just? Were you merciful? Were you faithful? Because however you treated to lowest of the low, and the most broken, that is how you treated Jesus. He came down really hard on the religious leaders of the day for clinging too much to their religious structures, so much that they forgot about justice, mercy, and faithfulness. What they clung to wasn’t bad. They were very meticulous about the Law, and the law in itself is not bad. But it became a distraction from what the true essence of worship was. And it makes me wonder what we, as a modern, somewhat anti-establishment, church have begun to cling to that has caused us to wander from what our Father has called us to. Micah 6:8 says that this is what the Lord requires of us - to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with God. How can we be more just as a community? How can we be more merciful? How do we need to humble ourselves before God? What have we, as a community and as individuals, put before him? What have we made so religious that it is preventing us from truly serving God?

You know something really scary that I’ve been realizing? It’s that we all worship, all the time. Everyone does. But some of the time, we’re not aware of what we’re worshipping. Some of the time, we’re not worshipping God, because we’ve consciously or sub-consciously chosen to put something else in the place of most importance in our lives. That’s scary. I wanted to bring this to your attention, because most of the time what we’re worshipping instead of God are not bad things in themselves. But when we put them first in our lives, we become idolators, and we break the most important commandment to love God with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind, with every inch of our being, with every breath that we take. I think we need to become more aware of the fact that we are constantly worshipping. We should celebrate it! We have the potential to worship God in every situation, from walking the dog and doing the dishes, to feeding and clothing the poor and looking after someone who’s sick. This is fantastic! It means that all the mundane things in our lives can become life-giving, breath-taking things. Our reason for living is to glorify God, and he is most glorified when we are most fully alive and satisfied in him. Saint Irenaeus said that the glory of God is a human being, fully alive. Paul puts it really great in Ephesians chapter 2. He says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” We are called to be partners with God in the Kingdom. God is Creator - we get to be SubCreators; God is King - We get to be ImageBearers; God is Trinity - we get to be CommunityBuilders; God is Savior - we get to be SalvificStorytellers.(1)

So may you discover what it is to be truly alive in God. May you realize more and more your potential to worship God at every moment, in every circumstance. And may you be obedient to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God through Jesus Christ. Amen.

(1) Dan Wilt. Nature of Human Beings. Essentials Blue.

Question..

2008-10-25T22:53:00.002-03:00

How far outside the corporate worship act does a worship leader's responsibility lie?

This has been whirring about in my mind for quite some time now. Would definitely be up for some discussion on the matter. Any thoughts?

Hello from London

2008-09-27T08:07:00.002-03:00

For the last two weeks, I've been cruising around England. Starting in London, to Saltaire, to Durham, to Langley Park, to Holy Island, to York, and now back to London. Currently I'm on the train, passing by a multitude of sheep grazing in their fields.

The last two weeks have certainly been interesting. I was told that I was coming to clean out my aunt's house...which really turned into a kitchen renovation. We might have gotten more accomplished during the time had decisions not been to hard to make... Did feel as though I'd been lured here under false pretense for a bit, but I got over that. Amidst the stress, I was reminded that I was in England and that I had better enjoy myself. Which I chose to do. We spent some time at Durham Cathedral, which was really beautiful. We went to Evensong and to the Sunday service. The choir was fantastic! And the service was really beautiful, too. Definitely filling. We also went to Evensong at York Minster, which was gorgeous as well.

My favorite evening out was at the Cross Keys Pub in Esh. We met a man named Steve the night before at a Harvest sing-along at the local church who told us about the jam session at the pub. He brought a guitar for me to play, and I got to jam with the locals. And I got to play a few songs for them as well, which they really enjoyed. There were a couple guitars, a piano, a bass guitar, a banjo, and two concertinas. A beautiful sound! Each person would sing their song, and everyone would join in full harmony on the chorus. I bought a CD from one of the ladies. It's called Hot Pants to Hot Flushes, and it's absolutely fabulous.

I'm definitely in love with the culture here. I could definitely spend my life here singing and playing in the pubs.

A few days before I left for England, I moved back to Saint John. My placement in Miramichi is now over (and I miss them lots!). Once I get back I'll be starting a new placement - details to follow.

Final Project (ICEWS, e*b 08)

2008-08-08T18:12:00.001-03:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt.

When I started to think and pray about my final project, the first question that came to my mind was, who is my community? I haven’t quite settled yet into a church because my placement bumps me around quite frequently. So, it turned out that the guys in prison were my most consistent community. This led me to wonder, how do they meet with God? I thought it would be really interesting to put together a piece of liturgy, but I quickly realized that they would have a really hard time entering in with that worship tool. What I have learned about these men is that they love music, and they love music that tells a story.

One thing that we learned in our course on worship theology and biblical worldview is that being made in God’s image makes us Salivific Storytellers. We are to retell God’s redemption story over and over again with our words and our actions. To illustrate this relevantly, I decided that I would take a tune that my friends would be familiar with and write lyrics that tell the Redemption story. This way, when they have this song running through their head, they might remember these lyrics instead.

Many of these men have been in prison more than ten years, and most of them will have been in there more than twenty by the time they get out. This causes a serious barrier between us. To them I am completely innocent, have never done anything wrong and could never do anything wrong. This causes a real roadblock when it comes communicating the Gospel. My goal is to break down the barrier that says I am good and they are bad, and to level the ground between us so that they can see that I am a sinner, too. If they can understand that I am just as much of a sinner as they are, then maybe they will be able to more fully understand how Jesus rescued me. And if they can understand how Jesus saved me, they might understand how they can be rescued, too.

Here's a link to the mp3 and the chord chart.

2008-08-01T17:43:00.003-03:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt.

...and we're back! Now with even more responsibility!

A few weeks ago, I talked about the responsibility we have as songwriters and worship leaders to make sure that the lyrics are true, because people get most of their doctrine from songs. Since then I've begun to understand even more about the role of a worship leader.

Our job is to "creat[e] spaces for sensory connection"(1). We are to find out where people are at, and help them to engage in relevant ways. Worship is a shared experience. When we express worship with a common voice in individual ways, we are reflecting God as Trinity.(1) To do so, we need to ask the question, "how best can I plan this worship set so that we, in community, have a sense that we are doing this together?"(1)

This is not an easy task. Human beings have this tendency of being very dynamic...so when you get a group of people together, it is inevitable that they will all be in very different places. My question for the worship leader is "How does one bring together such diversity in one place as an act of worship to God?"

This is especially huge when we realize how big worship is.

Worship is our reaction to God’s actions.(3)

Worship is surrender to the King.

Worship is offering one’s whole life to God.(4)

Worship is letting go of our own desires and taking hold of His.

Worship is laughter that is not at someone else’s expense.

Worship is giving allegiance to the King.

Worship is obedience to God’s commands.

Worship is living the way we were made to live.

Worship is giving glory to God in every thing we do.(3)

Worship is reconciling relationships.

Worship is rejoicing with those who rejoice, and mourning with those who mourn.(4)

Worship is feeding the poor.

Worship is planting a garden.

Worship is praying for the sick.

Worship is introducing someone to Jesus.

Worship is turning the other cheek when someone hits you.(5)

Worship is singing God a song.

Worship is eating a meal together.

Worship is enjoying God.(6)

Worship is choosing to confirm God's worth.

Worship is sacrificing ourselves to God because of His mercy in sacrificing Himself for us.

Worship is continual transformation into the likeness of Christ. It is embracing that we are made in God’s image, and walking in it.

If this is what worship is, then leading corporate worship at church is such a small part of it.

How far does the role or responsibility of a worship leader go? Is it simply leading corporate worship on Sundays, or does it extend to working among the people, providing opportunity and resources for them to be worshiping in their personal daily lives? At what point does our responsibility end?

Thoughts?

(1)Wilt, Dan. The Nature of Worship, video.

(2)Ladd, Hilary. Week 5 Discussion Question, e*b.

(3)Morphew, Dennis. Arrival of the King.

(4)Romans 12:1.

(5)Matthew 5:39, Luke 6:29.

(6)Lewis, C. S. Reflections on the Psalms.

Thoughts on Worship (ICEWS, e*b 08)

2008-07-25T17:01:00.006-03:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt.

Last Sunday I had the experience of leading worship without being able to sing. I had lost my voice, and there was no way it was coming back without a miracle. In the midst of much prayer, I found peace knowing that God didn't need me to sing in order for worship to happen.

Of course, there was some anxiety and frustration, but by the time I got up there, I had surrendered whatever was going to happen to Father. I knew that if He wasn't going to restore my voice miraculously that He had something else in mind. Which soon became evident.

He did a work in my heart and taught me, yet again, that in my weakness He is strong. Even though I didn't have much to give, I gave what I had, and I know that it was a sweet smelling offering to Him.

Worship is about giving, not getting(1); about bowing down and surrendering. Worship is summed up in 1 John 4:19, "We love him because he first loved us." Derek Morphew talks about worship as our reaction to God's actions.(2) Our worship is praise and thanksgiving for what God has done in Jesus, is doing in the Kingdom, and will do in the eschaton.

A thought from N. T. Wright on corporate worship... Many contemporary worship songs talk about personal feelings. What happens when there are people in the congregation who have had a crappy week and maybe don't feel like life is wonderful? They'll probably disengage from the song because it is not relevant. But they might be able to engage in a song that spoke of how great God is regardless of their circumstance.

Wright also asks, "Are we putting words into peoples' mouths before they're ready for them?"(3)

We must remember that worship is a shared experience. When we plan times of corporate worship, we must ask, "how best can I plan this worship set so that we in community have a sense that we are doing this together?"(4) Brian Doerksen said that we sing songs because it's something we can do together.(5)

Our job as worship leaders is to create a space where people can engage with the Living God. Songs are "non-geographical" places of intersection between God and man, heaven and earth.(6) We respond to God's invitation to worship Him and then invite others to come along with us.

(1) Williams, Don. Language of Sacrifice.

(2) Morphew, Derek. Arrival of the King.

(3) Wright, N. T. God-Centered Songs.

(4) Wilt, Dan. The Nature of Worship, video.

(5) Wilt, Dan. The Nature of Worship, p.5-6.

(6) Wilt, Dan. The Nature of Worship, p.4.

My Worldview: A Work In Progress (ICEWS, e*b 08)

2008-07-25T12:35:00.005-03:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt.

In the beginning, God Was Three-in-One. He still Is, and He Always Will Be. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit created the earth together. They also created human beings in their image; male and female. We were created to look after all of God’s creation - to multiply more ImageBearers(1) and have dominion over all living things. We were created to be His stewards on earth(2) and to bring glory to His name(3) by being in right-relationship with Him and the rest of creation.

Only, we decided that we wanted more power than what God had given us (which was already authority over all the earth!) When Eve and Adam ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil everything changed.(4) As Donald Miller says, the most obvious thing that changed was that they started to wear clothes.(5) All of a sudden they were all self-conscious.

“Man is wired so he gets his glory (his security, his understanding of value, his feeling of purpose, his feeling of rightness with his Maker, his security for eternity) from God, and this relationship is so strong, and God’s love is so pure, that Adam and Even felt no insecurity at all, so much so that they walked around naked and didn’t even realize they were naked. But when that relationship was broken, they knew it instantly... Adam and Eve were naked and weren’t ashamed when God was around, but the second that relationship was broken, they realized in and were ashamed.”(5)

The rest of the story has all been about God making redemptive acts, trying to restore our relationship with Him. The ultimate act was in Jesus’ life, death, and life again. Jesus (100% man, 100% God) lived to show us what it looked like to be fully in right-relationship with God. He died in our place, taking on the sins of the world. He lived again to defeat death and Satan, winning the battle of sin and death.

The Kingdom of God is at hand.(7) The Kingdom exists wherever things are happening for God’s glory - writing a song, fighting poverty, reconciling a broken relationship, or admiring a sunrise. Being the new temples of the Holy Spirit, we are the points of intersection for heaven and earth. As Kingdom people, our job is to point out where the Kingdom of God is active in the world. As human beings, we are to multiply more SubCreators, ImageBearers, CommunityBuilders, and SalvificStorytellers.(8) As the Church, we need to break out of our buildings and start celebrating in the streets. We need to “bring good news to the poor... to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives... to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor... to comfort all who mourn... to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.”(9)

And then Jesus will come again. And He will establish His Kingdom forever on earth. And there will be a new earth and new heavens. And there won’t be any crying, or mourning, or dying, but only eternal life. Finally, our relationship with God will be completely right again, and we won’t be ashamed, or insecure, or scared. Instead, we will be so caught up and involved in His glory that we won’t be able to do anything but worship Him. Forever and ever.

(1) Wilt, Dan. Essentials in Worship Theology - The Nature of Worship. p.5.
(2) Genesis 1:26-30.
(3) Isaiah 43:7
(4) An aside: Sometimes I think that we’re too hard on Adam and Eve. They had never experienced deceit before. They didn’t even know lies existed! So the fact that the snake was lying to Eve wouldn’t even have been on her radar. The important thing, though, is that she did something that God had expressly told them not to do beforehand. And who am I to say that I wouldn’t have done the same thing in her situation?...anyways....
(5) Miller, Donald. Searching for God Knows What. p.69.
(6) Miller, Donald. Searching for God Knows What. p.70-71.
(7) Matthew 3:2.
(8) Wilt, Dan. Essentials in Worship Theology - The Nature of Worship. p.5
(9) Isaiah 61:1-3. ESV. emphasis added.

Right-relatedness: The Role of Human Beings (ICEWS, e*b 08)

2008-07-18T19:11:00.003-03:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt.

I’ve been thinking about the role of people in worship. First, though, what is worship anyways? Romans 12:1-2 says that true worship is offering ourselves as living sacrifices to God. So it seems that worship is to do with our whole selves: body, mind, soul, spirit. Basically, the entirety of our lives. So everything that I do is either an act of worship, or disobedience. Eep!

This leads me to some thoughts about righteousness...especially how Dan and Ed were talking about the Beatitudes. I read this book called “Kingdom Ethics”. It focuses on the Beatitudes as a basis for Kingdom behaviour. The following is a medley of quotes/thoughts inspired from both “Kingdom Ethics” and this week’s material.

“...Jesus offered not hard sayings or high ideals but concrete ways to practice God’s will and be delivered from the bondage of sin. In other words, he taught his followers how to participate in God’s reign. He taught what the kingdom is like, what its characteristics are, and therefore what kinds of practices are done by those who participate in it and are ready for it.” (1)

The Beatitudes are not just nice sentiments, but instructions for practical living! (2)

righteousness = right-relatedness (3)

“[People] compartmentalize Jesus’ teachings as meant for attitudes but not actions, or for repentance but not obedience, or for another future dispensation but not the present time, or merely as illustrations of general principles like love but not meant to be followed in particular.” (4)

The Beatitudes have a pattern of traditional righteousness, vicious cycles, and transforming initiatives. Jesus says what the law is, makes it even more difficult for us (impossible even), and then gives us a Kingdom action. (5)

Examples:

Traditional Righteousness: You shall not kill.

Vicious Cycle: Being angry, or saying, You fool! is committing murder in your heart.

Transforming Initiative: Go, be reconciled.

Traditional Righteousness: Do not judge, lest you be judged.

Vicious Cycle: Judging others means you’ll be judged by the same measure.

Transforming Initiative: First take the log out of your own eye.(6)

We are called to be in right relationship with ourselves, with God, with other people, and with nature. (7)

This is the Kingdom of God is our lives. The Kingdom is participatory; it is active. (8)

It’s not about law-keeping, it’s about people keeping. (9)

Our part in worship is to affirm what the created order is already saying about God, and adding reason to it. Because..He is merciful....He is gracious..He has forgiven...He loves...He redeems...He rescues... (10)

And to take part in the redemption of the world...in the bringing of the Kingdom of God. As image-bearers, as ambassadors, we take on the role of leaders, of lead-worshippers on earth. (11)

Most people see the world as a right-off, instead of seeing it for its possibility. We are God's image-bearers, and because He has set us here as His ambassadors we do not have the right to complain when bad things happen. Instead, we must actively pursue God's Kingdom. We are highlighters, pointing out where His Kingdom is already in motion and instigators of change where it is not. Let’s stop defaulting to the enemy when we don’t see the Kingdom in our lives, and take responsibility for actively seeking it.

(1) Kingdom Ethics. Strassen & Gushee, InterVarsity Press. p.31.

(2) Kingdom Ethics. p.132.

(3) Two Brothers on Righteousness. Wilt & Gentry

(4) Kingdom Ethics. p.133.

(5) Kingdom Ethics. ch.6.

(6) Kingdom Ethics. p.142.

(7) Two Brothers on Righteousness.

(8) Kingdom Ethics. p.21

(9) Two Brothers on Righteousness.

(10) The Creation Integration. N.T. Wright.

(11) The Nature of the Human Being. Dan Wilt. p.1

Kingdom Community (ICEWS, e*b 08)

2008-07-11T01:14:00.004-03:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt.

I've been thinking a lot about community for the last year or so. Two years ago I packed up all my stuff and moved across the country to live in Saint John where I didn't know anyone and had few connections. Part of my program at school is to work with a ministry. As such, I've had the experience of switching churches quite frequently.

In one of the courses we took, "Kingdom Ethics", we ended up talking about community a lot. I have realized that as much as I like to have my own time and space, community is necessary and it's God's plan for people to live together. This got me thinking about the Church, local and universal.

I've found my heart really aching for the situation we are in - if the church cannot act as a community, how can we expect to welcome people in? How often are people flocking to join a dysfunctional family in turmoil? Even a "good" or "healthy" church only meets together two or three times during the week for programs that require no vulnerability. Our superficial relationships aren’t enough. I really do believe that until the Church learns to live, laugh, eat, play and worship together, the Kingdom will not be able to break out into our broader communities effectively.

Just over a month ago, I packed up all my stuff again and moved to the Miramichi where I had even less connections. This time I wasn't moving into a community, and I didn't have a church that I was supposed to go to. The first two weeks were brutal. I had forgotten what it was like to have to be intentional about making friends and building relationships. I mean, I'm not six years old anymore - I can't just walk up to a kid at the park and say, "Let's be friends."

There are so many things going through my head right now..so many themes from this week's media...I don't know where to begin. I guess the broadest theme to identify is community. God as a communal being, and people as communal beings.

The perichoretic Trinity is a concept that I am familiar with. The way I've heard it described before (and I'm sure I won't do it justice) is that the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are admittedly in a divine dance - dancing in a circle and glorifying one another, pointing in each others' directions. And they dance so fast that it's somewhat blurred and as such they look like One Being. Constantly pointing to one another - look at what He is doing! Look at what a beautiful dancer He is!

What would this look like practically? I wish that we were comfortable enough in our own skin to be able to stop pointing at ourselves, saying, "Look what I can do!", but rather point to our brothers and sisters and point out Christ in them. The Church seems to be better at rebuking than encouraging. Personally, I'm good at figuring out things I do wrong...most of the time. What I'm not as good at is recognizing the things I do well. Or at least, I'm not as good at admitting what I do well, because that would be prideful, you know. We need each other to point out the good, to point out where we see God working and moving in and through each of us.

Part of my internship is going into the jails and lead chapel services, Bible studies, and generally hang out. In Miramichi, there is a Federal Prison, a Provincial Jail, and a Youth Center. In the last week I’ve been to all three, and to the Youth Center twice. It’s always an adventure and I never know what to expect when I go in.

Last Sunday, I went into the Youth Center for a chapel service. I’d been there a few times, so people recognized me, but this was the first time I’d done chapel with them. First off, I didn’t expect any of the girls to come because they never want to have anything to do with ‘God stuff.’ But two of them came, and I was really excited that they did.

We started picking songs, but I was the only one singing...which is fine, but after 6 or 7 songs, it can get a little lonely. I stopped and my friend Wanda gave a short message. Then I asked if they wanted to sing again. And they all said yes. So I started to strum, and said, “OK, but only if you sing with me. I’m getting a little lonely.” They said that they didn’t want to because they didn’t sound as good as me. So I told them that the Bible says that we’re to make a joyful noise to the Lord - it doesn’t have to sound good! This got them chuckling.

I started singing, “Worthy” by Matt Redman and they began to sing with me....and it was the most beautiful sound I’ve heard in a long time. I almost started to cry - so raw, and broken, and beautiful, and I didn’t want it to end.

After another few songs, one of the really quiet guys said, “we might as well sing the whole book!” I saw him at the guys’ Bible study the next night.

It’s awesome to see God’s Kingdom breaking out in the prisons. Lots of people look at me like I’m crazy when I tell them what I spend my time doing. Honestly, I love being in prison. Really, I think it is one of the most beautiful places. Last Wednesday at the service with the guys in the provincial jail was stirring - no one for the first half-hour. Then just as we were about to go, two guys came in. By the time we’d finished singing “Amazing Love”, six guys from another unit were coming in. And so we sang, and shared about how Jesus forgives and forgets and loves and guides and seeks.

One of the guys is getting out in two weeks. I told him about the coffee house I’m starting at the Salvation Army and he says he’ll be there, and he’ll be bringing people with him.

Granted, some of these guys just want to get off the unit, and some of them just want to stare, but some of them are so ready for the Kingdom to invade their lives, and I am seriously blessed to be part of bringing it into their lives.

hefty responsibility (ICEWS, e*b 08)

2008-07-04T16:33:00.004-03:00

For: The Institute of Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Blue Online Worship Theology Course with Dan Wilt.

A common theme that has popped up throughout the different videos/articles I've watched/read in the last week is that people remember songs better than they remember sermons. Article after video, after video after article drilled this into my mind. It has caused me to come to a rather intimidating conclusion as to just how much responsibility I have as a songwriter.

In Don Williams video entitled "Why Theology?" he says, "...the reason to work through your theology is because God is truth, and you don't want to sing falsehood about the God who is truth." Sounds a bit threatening, hey? Well, if you're not threatened, something's wrong. Just the thought of the possibility of writing lies about God in songs that people will sing, and remember, and build their theology on ties my stomach in knots and causes me to pray fervently that I haven't done that already and that I won't do it ever!

So what can I do to prevent this from happening? Search out truth, eat it up, and live it out. Sounds simple enough, but in this age where truth is "apparently relative", I think I'm about to embark on a rather challenging adventure. Not that I don't already make an effort to live in truth, but I'd definitely like to be more intentional about it.

When it comes to things being true, it seems to me that the more newly discovered a truth is, the less likely it is to be true. Not that this is always the case, but if something is true, why did it take so long to be recognized as truth? A complicated question - one that I do not pretend to know the answer to. But according to our e*b manual, "[t]he ancients didn't think like this. They looked for rootedness in historic themes and ideas in order to establish the credibility of an idea or action."

I find this to be rather comforting, actually, because it means that the truth that I seek is entirely accessible to me. It's not as much something I have to find, but more so something I have to dive into - namely, into God's Word. It's always nice to be mandated to do something that I already enjoy doing. Gives me the feeling that I'm going in the right direction....

Still, about this whole responsibility thing, it's great to know that I'm not responsible for God's people, but to God Himself. Also, that there's nothing that I can mess up that He can't fix. I would never use this as an excuse to slack off. Instead, I see it as encouragement to continue to write and sing and trust that every word that I write for His glory came from Him in the first place. And so this hefty responsibility that I feel burdened by turns into a conversation between my Father and I...and I get joy of telling you all about it later.

Coming Soon...

2008-06-28T20:30:00.003-03:00

I realize that over the last two years there have been many promises broken as to the frequency of my posting. I hope that you will be happy to hear that as of Monday, June 30th, the posts shall return! I'm taking a course through St. Stephen's University on worship theology and biblical worldview. I'm pretty stoked about it. Blogging is how we're all going to share our thoughts, along with facebook. I'm thinking that this is a pretty sweet setup. Props to whoever came up with the idea!

We're Engaged!

2008-06-25T16:54:00.004-03:00

I've had many requests for details of the proposal, so I thought I'd give you the run down blog-style.

Friday night, Shawn came to pick me up in Miramichi and we went to Moncton for the weekend. It was after midnight when we got back in Moncton, so we stopped for a snack. At one point I had to go to the washroom, and when I came back out, Shawn was sitting on the kitchen floor. This isn't exactly unusual, so I sat with him. He had this huge smile on his face that made his chin quiver, so I knew something was up! He said something along these lines...

"...so, I wanted to do something elaborate, and romantic, and cheesy so that you would have a really great story to tell people, but I'm too impati

ent."

And he pulled a box out and handed it to me. I opened it...and giggled...and smiled...and got a little bit teary. We looked at each other for a while smiling. And I, feeling pretty goofy, said, "Well, are you going to ask me?" To which he replied, "Ask what? It's just a present." So I gave him my right hand, and we laughed. He looked

me in the eye and said, "Hilary, will you marry me?" And I squealed, "Yes!" He put in on, and it fit perfectly, and it was beautiful, and I love it!

Hope this rendition was satisfactory for all your girly love-story cravings. I think it makes a fabulous story... and I'm super glad it's true!!

Random Thought on..

2008-06-19T22:53:00.004-03:00

Matthew 21:18-22

...In the morning, as Jesus was returning to Jerusalem, he was hungry, and he noticed a fig tree beside the road. He went over to see if there were any figs on it, but there were only leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" And immediately the fig tree withered up. The disciples were amazed when they saw this and asked, "How did the fig tree wither so quickly?" Then Jesus told them, "I assure you, if you have faith and don't doubt, you can do things like this and much more. You can even say to this mountain, "May God lift you up and throw you into the sea," and it will happen. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."...

I was just breezing through this passage...and I did a bit of a double take at the end. The part where it says, "if you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Now, I know that prayer is conditional - we need to have faith. But how many times do we pray hoping to get an answer and think, "I'll really believe if this happens." And it's not that I don't believe. And I don't know why I'm feeling so defensive about this to the blogosphere. It just really struck me in that moment that God doesn't answer prayer to get us to believe in Him. He answers prayer when we believe. And even though we have such imperfect faith, He still chooses to bless us by answering our prayers. And He's still faithful even when I'm not.

Hallelujah....

Gospel - Culture = ?

2008-04-01T12:03:00.005-03:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the Gospel and what it actually is. It's hard to figure out, because we're so used to it being in our own culture. But the Gospel is supracultural. It is not a cultural thing. It's easier to think of in the context of some African tribe, but my question is what do we do here that is cultural that we call Christian? I'd really like to know what the actual Gospel is minus all the stuff that we put on it to make it feel nicer.

Gospel

Culture

In the airport again (sorry for the delay on posting...)

2008-01-15T16:19:00.001-04:00

Just another hour and twenty-five minutes left at Toronto Airport. I will be so glad to get home. I just spent the last two weeks (ish) with my family in Nanaimo. It was good, although I was ready to leave even before I got there. I was anxious that I wasn't going to get the chance to really, truly rest because I thought I would be so busy seeing people. Turns out that I had tons of time to rest, and although I was grateful, I discovered that long periods of rest and I do not get along very well.

It's crazy that even after everything I've learned over the years about works and grace that I still start feeling useless, and therefore worthless, when I'm not being productive. Pretty much I was catching up on all the sabbaths that I didn't have over the last semester. Now, I don't generally make new years resolutions, but I do know that something I need to do is to work in some resting time into my schedule. I'm amazed that I only got one cold last semester. I used to have one every other week. So I'm grateful for that, but I also have an incling that all my issues with food allergies are very much related to stress. Perhaps if I weren't so busy I would not only have time to eat, but I would be able to eat without getting sick too. What a wonderful concept!

For the majority of my holidays I spent time watching movies with my mom and knitting. I got in one short horseback ride, but the weather wasn't very facilitating the rest of the time. Nor was my lethargy.

The highlight of my trip was last Sunday. My mom had asked me to come and sing at her church for the lessons and carols service. One of my old choir friends, Rose, was going to come sing with me. Another is the pianist at my mom's church, so he would be there already. Just as Rose and I was warming up, in walks the rest of my old choir! I was so overwhelmed I nearly cried. Honestly, for the last year and a half I have been mourning the loss of my voice (yes...I know, I still sing, but it's just not the same). And to get the opportunity to sing with my old group was probably one of the most uplifting and confirming experiences I've had in a while. We sang a few songs during the service and afterwards we hung out and sang every song we could remember...and some that we couldn't which fell apart into giggling. The amazing thing is not only can I still sing classically, but I'm better than I remembered! Oh, it was so wonderful...I think I might have gotten a bit teary at that. Then, while Rose had to go for the matinee of the Pantomine, Lindsay, Jake, Kyle, Devon, and I went out for lunch and had a good ol' time. That evening we all went to see Rose in the Pantomine. It was fantastic. A twist on Peter and the Wolf. Rose played a mad monk named Disputin. She had the biggest, most curly, red beard ever. It was absolutely wonderful. Then we went out to the pub and headed back to Rose's and proceeded to eat mass amounts of cinnimon raison toast.

Well...that killed about twenty minutes. Time to get up and stretch again. Only one hour and five minutes! Hallelujah!

Peace out.

Radical in the Regular - Phase Two.

2007-12-11T10:12:00.001-04:00

"It is a trap to presume that God wants to make us perfect specimens of what He can do - God's purpose is to make us one with Himself. The emphasis of holiness movements tends to be that God is producing specimens of holiness to put in His museum. If you accept this concept of personal holiness, your life's determined purpose will not be for God, but for what you call the evidence of God in your life. How can we say, "It could never be God's will for me to be sick"? If it was God's will to bruise His own Son (Isaiah 53:10), why shouldn't He bruise you? What shines forth and reveals God in your life is not your relative consistenct to an idea of what a saint should be, but your genuine, living relationship with Jesus Christ, and your unrestrained devotion to Him whether you are well or sick.
"Christian perfection is not, and never can be, human perfection. Christian perfection is the perfection of a relationship with God that shows itself to be true even amid the seemingly unimportant aspects of human life. When you obey the call of Jesus Christ, the first thing that hits you is the pointlessness of the things you have to do. The next thought that strikes you is that other people seem to be living perfectly consistent lives. Such lives may leave you with the idea that God is unnecessary - that through your own human effort and devotion you can attain God's standard for your lie. In a fallen world this can never be done. I am called to live in such a perfect relationship with God that my life produces a yearning for God in the lives of others, not admiration for myself. Thoughts about myself hinder my usefulness to God. God's purpose is not to perfect me to make me a trophy in His showcase; He is getting me to the place where He can use me. Let Him do what He wants."

- Oswald Chambers

I seem to go through this phase periodically where I get really unsatisfied with leading a regular life and I start to develop this desire to go out and live radically to change the world. I remember writing a post about this last year. I've been trying to write this one for the last week...hopefully it'll get done this time.

The more I study and think and ponder about God and about me and about the world, the more I realize that the Christian walk isn't about going out and starting revolutions. I mean, I'm not dissing all those people out there who are starting and supporting major causes because there's a part of me that longs for that kind of lifestyle. We're trying to get back to Eden, right? And we want the world to be restored to what it was supposed to be, right? And we want to have the kind of relationship with God that Adam and Eve did, right? For me this all seems to point much more towards a simple life that's full of redundant activities that are made radical because of the God that we serve. Wasn't His original commandment to "be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground"? Sounds more like we're meant to be farmers...

I don't know if this makes any sense, because honestly, my head is definitely not screwed on properly right now (lack of sleep, inflammed tear-ducts, etc). All I know is that if I were to pursue some kind of radical lifestyle (according to the world) that maybe I wouldn't be doing it purely for God's glory. Maybe I would revel a bit in how much great work I was doing in the world. And maybe in living just a normal, sometimes boring, life - making coffee, cleaning, doing homework - God would be glorified more because I'd know it wasn't my doing when great things happened. I'm not saying that we shouldn't try to change the world, because I know that we're meant to be salt and light. I am saying that maybe we should stop trying so hard to do things for God and just let Him do things through us.

...I just want to walk with Him in the cool of the day...

Props...

2007-11-29T08:23:00.000-04:00

...to the wonderful Shawn C. Branch for hooking me up with a beautifully renovated blog.

woowoo!

my bad.....

2007-11-27T13:27:00.001-04:00

Oops. It's been another month. I'm sorry.

The last month of my life has consisted of....

4 essays.
50ish hours of work.
2 chapel services.
lots of coffee.
not so much sleep.
one Stone overnighter.
more coffee.
2 weeks of migraine.
2 visits to emerge.
1 healing.
wonderful worshipping.
thai food.
1 broken guitar string.

that about sums it up. hopefully I will get into some kind of routine when it comes to this because I'd really like to update it a little more frequently.

peace.

wee update.

2007-10-25T22:39:00.000-03:00

Life is crazy busy. Really good. But crazy busy.

I got a job at Starbucks a couple weeks ago. That's awesome. If I didn't, all my money would go there anyways. This way I break evenish. Haha.

School's going well - loads of essays. Time is going really fast. It's kind of annoying. I'd really like to just sit and be for a bit. That would be nice. I could probably make time for that. Hmmm..mental note.

I went to the movies tonight - forced myself to go out and do something that was just fun. We saw Across the Universe. It was beautiful. I would suggest it if you have at any point been in love with the Beatles. Otherwise you might not get it. Just saying.

Placement's going well - get to hang out with Stone Youth. This weekend's another HardStone Cafe/Sleepover. I would appreciate prayer..I'm just not as young as I used to be. Can't stay up all night anymore without consequence. Haha. I shouldn't be able to say that. I'm only 20 for goodness' sake. But oh well - my blog, my words. Ha.

It is officially too late now for my words to be comprehensible, so I do apologize.

Life is good. God is really good. I'm enjoying myself. Halleluh.

Bennington College

2007-10-06T23:54:00.000-03:00

This weekend I'm in Bennington, Vermont. And it's totally as gorgeous as people said it was. Bennington College is really gorgeous, and I'm actually having a good time going to all these sessions with my Grandmother. Bennington College is quite an interesting place in itself. I'm feeling a bit out of place, seeing as it's [one of] the most progressive and innovative liberal art schools in America. Seeing as I'm here for the celebration/reunion, people keep asking me if I'm alumni. So when I tell them that I go to school in New Brunswick, Canada, and they ask me what my major is, I tell them I'm studying mission and evangelism. Either I get a, "that's nice", or more of a "ah, I see" accompanied by a cold shoulder. And then my grandmother's walking around announcing that I'm studying theology. I'm getting a lot of raised eyebrows. Feeling a little bit rejected.

Tonight was the 75th Anniversary Celebration dinner. The president, Elizabeth Coleman, gave a long speech all about what the college was about. She mentioned evolution a whole lot, talking about how crazy it was that half of America's population still doubted it. She also talked a whole lot about the new initiatives that the school was taking in social services such as feeding the homeless and putting an end to poverty. It really amazes me how unknowingly she contradicted herself. Really, just how anyone who stands for evolution and then talks about how horrible the problem of poverty is. I mean, if you believe in evolution, technically you believe in the survival of the fittest, which would mean that you wouldn't take steps to better the situation of those who can't seem to better it themselves, in which case, they would die out, and those who were prosperous in the world would just prosper more until there were only those who were prosperous. And here's this woman talking about how appalling it is that people don't believe in evolution, and then talks about how they are going to walk on the exact opposite path which evolution would lead them down. Hmm. I sat near the front in my poofy dress whispering in tongues and interceding for Elizabeth Coleman.

Afterwards, while my grandmother was being interviewed (she's a pioneer, class of '40), I went for a walk. There's this place called "the end of the world" on campus. The school owns about 1200 acres. It's absolutely phenomenal. The end of the world starts with this rock wall that runs along the edge of a big field in front of the commons. Once you step over the wall, there's nothing but a huge field and a forest. I walked across the commons field in my bare feet, with my fancy dress on, listening to "Spirit of Adoption" by Jason Upton. I stepped over the small rock wall, and immediately felt free. Free from the condemnation of this ultra-liberal community; free from the confusion of all the confused people; free from responsibility; free from the world....the end the world. I dropped my purse and shoes on the ground and started dancing around the big open field, worshiping Father. He put all my fears to rest. He's just wonderful like that. It's interesting, in Ethics last week we were talking about the problem with allowing the affirmation of others to dictate our contentedness. And how when you do rely on others affirmation, it's idolatry. I'm quite amazed at the state of my well-being right now. All this rejection and I still feel like a princess. Sweetawesome.

I'm not sure what tomorrow brings, but somehow, by Father's grace, I've been living each moment asking Father what I can to bring Him glory. So far it's just been to look after my grandmother really well and to not shy away from what I believe. By now I think most people know that I'm an evangelist. I had dinner tonight with a bunch of Unitarians. When one of them found out that I was a charismatic evangelist, she kind of stopped talking to me. A wee bit of silent persecution. Didn't hurt too bad. Just drove me deeper into Father's heart really, so I'm not complaining. I found a few churches on one of my meanders this afternoon. I think I'm going to try to check one out tomorrow morning. I hope that I find some family...

Goodnight.

Update

2007-09-06T14:22:00.000-03:00

I'm alive. Just so you know.

Aliquippa - Day Fifty-Six

2007-07-30T18:08:00.000-03:00

Well, it's been a really long time. And that's bad news. But it's been a hectic three weeks. All the more reason to pause and reflect, I'll bet, but I didn't, so there. Ever since the flood happened, my life has basically consisted of cleaning out basements, getting all muddy, going home to shower, and sleeping...as much as possible. I haven't felt as though my life were awfully full, but I've been doing Kingdom work, and all I can say about that is that the Kingdom's a whole lot more messy than I'd imagined.

Just over a week ago, we kind of opened the cafe again. It's been getting closer and closer. All of the fridges quit in one day, so that shut things down pretty quickly. But now we've got 3 new sweet awesome fridges. We've got one of those big ones with the open top things with trays for pre-sliced everything. It's fantastic! I made a salad today in like 3 minutes...usually it takes a good 10. But that could be because I'm slightly perfectionistic.

I've been having this huge battle with the concept of holiness lately – probably springing from this book that Reed asked me to read called “The Holiness of God” by RC Sproul. It's friggin mental! And I mean that in the most respectful way...the first six chapters are great! I couldn't put it down. Read a chapter nearly every day. Then came the last three...and I got rather stuck. It was still good, just a little more to bite off than I could chew maybe. By the time I finished it though, I was more confused than ever....trying to figure out every single thing in my life that had to go in order for me to pursue righteousness. The list was overwhelming. I couldn't think of any way to implement these changes in my life without either exploding, imploding, or simply passing out. I was overwhelmed with my own guilt, my own unworthiness, my own filth.

How can I, being so incredibly unholy, even exist in the presence of God, holy, holy, holy?

How can God, eternally Just, even consider keeping me around when I am continually deserving to die for just being...my very nature giving me over with a death sentence?

What could make God ever chose to be merciful to me when He owes me nothing?

You can imagine why promptly after reading the last page I took a shower and had a good sobfest. I am dirt. I am scum. I am nothing. These are the concepts that emanated from the pages into my very soul. What this Sproul guy seemed to completely miss (or at least not emphasize nearly enough) was the very Cross of Christ – His blood shed for me. Torture, Death, Resurrection, Ascension – all so that I could be reconciled to my own Creator, my own Father. Sure, he mentions that we are saved by faith in Christ alone, and then goes on to say that “the goal of all spiritual exercise must be the goal of righteousness. God calls us to be holy. Christ sets the priority of the Christian life: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” The goal is righteousness.” I thought the goal was to seek the Kingdom of God, to seek fellowship with God, to be in relationship with God, to BE with God. If I am to seek after righteousness for righteousness' sake, then I completely miss the point of the Gospel. If I seek after holiness for holiness' sake, then I'm shoving Jesus' sacrifice back in His face. “No thanks, I've got it covered!” Bullshit. I have nothing without Christ. I am nothing without Christ. Without the covering of His blood, Father really only can see that I'm the chewing gum that got stuck to the bottom of His shoe.

Praise God that I am redeemed by the blood of the Lamb. Praise God that when He looks at me, He doesn't see that I'm a total screwup, completely unable of saving myself, floundering, even drowning in my own flesh. He sees His own beloved Son, face shining, perfect in every way. There's the good news I was looking for! God sees me as perfect! I am perfect in the eyes of God! So it doesn't matter that by the time I'm 87 I'll hardly have put a dent in that list of things I need to get rid of in order to achieve righteousness. It doesn't matter that there's nothing I can do to make God like me any better because He already likes me way too much! That's right! God likes me. He thinks I'm a friggin' rockstar. And you know what's the best part? There's nothing that I can do to make God not love me anymore. So it doesn't matter if I'm the most “holy” person in the world, or if I'm just some kid covered in mud. Jesus has it covered. He did it, He's doing it, and He going to keep on doing it, forever and ever. (Amen.)

A's in a bad space right now. He's off his meds. He shouts a lot, and is really irritable. He seemed to be spouting of scripture this morning, but I couldn't quite catch it all. I suppose it's hard to annunciate when you have no teeth. N wanted to call the cops on him. I'm glad she didn't. He needs our love and support now more than ever. B wasn't in today. Apparently he and D had words on Friday...maybe he's ticked. Eric was in today. He's fading. But his smile is just as bright. I love that man. Dying of cancer and yet he still looks as happy as a 12 year old with a frog. I made cupcakes today. I brought one over and gave it to him for a very belated birthday celebration. He was in the hospital on his birthday..and no on knew/cared. I made him a cake a few days after, but that happened to be the day before the flood...and it got a little stale..maybe a lot stale.

Anyways, I'm staying at the Stanley's now. I'll be here till the end of the month. It'll be really nice to stay in one place for a while. I can't believe that we're already in the 20s on the countdown. That went by so quickly, yet so slowly at the same time. I'm really looking forward to getting home, but I am going to miss it here. I like Aliquippa, Franklin Ave, all of it. Broken people, angry people, confused, shattered, dying people. And the Kingdom's coming...on earth as it is in heaven.

Aliquippa - Day Forty-Eight

2007-07-22T23:52:00.000-03:00

Spiders are evil monsters.

That's it.

Aliquippa - Day Thirty-Four: Rambling of a fried mind..

2007-07-08T23:17:00.000-03:00

Well, it's been a heck of a week. We went into the cafe at 9 to check in with John and then get directions to the place we were housesitting at. Went and checked it out – it's really cute. I think it's a rectory for the Presbyterian church...or else the rector just lives here. Either way, it's nice. And the wardens gave us each a phone card! Sweet deal! That's probably what I've spent the most money on recently...other than my hair. Anyways, we went back to the cafe afterwards and I started to hang pictures and stuff. And it started to rain..hard. When it rains here it's usually pretty heavy, but doesn't last long..so I wasn't too worried about it. It was when the rain wasn't going anywhere, but chilling on the streets, that I started to get a little concerned. And when it came over the curb, I was pretty amazed at it. And when it started to seep underneath the doors of the cafe that I started to think I might take some action.

Step number one: Pick up all guitars and amps and put them on stage.

Step two: Unplug all equipment.

Step three: Start moving furniture as quickly as we can.

Step four: take off shoes and socks.

Step five: facebook for prayer.

Step six: turn power off.

Step seven: Stop and pray..finally.

Step eight: grab the Bible.

Step nine: Whip out a guitar, hop on the counter, and worship the Lord with all your might....for 2 hours.....maybe 3.

Received a phone call from Erin (who had gone to drop off Jessie at Linmar for AIM) asking if I could send help because the car was stuck. Watch as cars float down Franklin Ave which has now turned into a raging river. Praise the Lord and pray for peace as people do what they can to save stock. Don't stop – don't stop worshiping. Keep praising the Lord. Don't ever stop. Give Him control – release. Breathe in and out. Inhale – exhale. Rain stops...waters at 1 foot upstairs....2 downstairs.. Take pictures for the insurance company...go in the basement..take more pictures...it's dark down there. No power..no windows...no flashlight. Just a lighter and the flash of the camera. Pants rolled up as high as they can go...bare feet, sewage up to your knees..take more pictures.

Walk down the street to find our chairs and table that have been washed away. Hey, there's Dwayne! Kayaking up Franklin Ave. There's the paramedics power boating up the river called Franklin Avenue.

“You shouldn't be out here in this stuff. It's sewage. You'll get a staff infection.”

“Too late now.”

Arthur will be happy that we found his chair. But he and Eric will have to share. Get back to the cafe. Take more pictures. Squeegee the carpets. Mop the floors. Put some more coffee on. Never stop praising the Lord. You know He's got something up His sleeve. Uses everything for our good because we love Him. People come down the street.

“Cafe open?”

“Not quite..but do you want some coffee?”

“Sure..need a hand?”

“Yeah..grab a shovel.”

Kids start showing up to see what they can do to help their beloved sanctuary..the one place where they are guided, held accountable, and loved. It's a beautiful sight to see everyone coming together. The daycare across the street's in trouble too. Extra people are sent over to help. Thank God they don't have a basement. Next door there's a hunting store. It's never actually open, but there's a lot of stuff in there. Help them take what they can upstairs. Love your neighbour as yourself.

Head back the retreat centre where we've stayed for 5 days..move our stuff to our new place. Praise the Lord they're in Hopewell on a hill. Hop in the shower...holy frig do I ever love showers. Crash.....

Wake up – head back down to the cafe. Up on a sidewalk to get by the barriers to stop everyone from getting on the Franklin Ave. They've called in a National Disaster. Help is coming! Spend all day emptying the basement. Throw it on the curb. Watch it all get taken away. It was for a garage sale anyways....maybe this is it! Finally we can get rid of all the clutter! And the food.....and the drinks...and the books...everything goes. I sit on a bucket on the curb and wash the mud off the dishes with a hose. Salvage what you can. Destroy everything else. It's been contaminated. The hospital's giving out free Tetanus shots....people are lined up down the street so they just start giving them out while people are standing in line..

Head home to grab a shower before heading to Nashville...hope they're OK without us at the cafe. Pack your bags..get ready for no sleep, no showers, no food. Just prayers and groans...praises and dancing. Intercession and repentance. Dehydration and sunburns....heat stroke, anyone? My favorite too. Praise the Lord with tens of thousands of people. Don't think about how tired you are...focus on Jesus. Weep for the state of the country. Weep for joy at all these broken hearts....touching testimonies..raw repentance...freeing forgiveness....draining dancing...can't give up now..got another eight hours to go. Praise the Lord with all your heart. Trust Him in everything. Don't trust your own understanding..it won't get you anywhere. Lift your voice with the creatures, the angels, the elders, the redeemed. Watch your sound turn into light..somewhere. Get back on the bus....sleep...sleep...sleep some more. Cringe at your crispy, fried skin. Why didn't I bring any aloe vera? Why didn't I bring sunscreen is a better question...Get home.....shower....aloe vera.....beverage and pretzels....couch.... sigh of relief......................

Aliquippa - Day Twenty-Nine

2007-07-02T15:04:00.000-03:00

My life is friggin amazing.

Today, I received a phone call at the cafe from a friend of the Stanleys saying that they had a fundraiser the day before and had some food leftover, and if we would like it. So I told her to bring it over. We had the “Green Team” coming in this afternoon to do some work at the cafe, and we were just going to throw some burgers in the oven for them or something. So 11:30 comes around, and this woman comes in and asks for some help to bring some food in. So Keith goes out to grab some stuff...comes back asking the kids in the cafe for help bringing it in....turns out that there are bins and bins and BINS of hotdogs, coleslaw, baked beans, chili, and cookies....we didn't know where to put them all!! It was completely ridiculous and so overwhelming. Then the Green Team kids arrived, and we didn't have anything for them to do quite yet, so they came on into the kitchen and helped us to start bagging and boxing all the food...we were going to have to freeze more than half of it. It was seriously coming out of our ears! K, so maybe not our ears...but it was overflowing everywhere. Not only did God provide the food for the Green Team (along with the rest of the neighbourhood), but He also provided to workers to be able to deal with all of it. Hence – friggin amazing.

It was so great to see these girls in the kitchen. They hang out there a lot, and it was awesome to see them taking pride in the cafe – a little bit of ownership even. I think that this might change their perspective of the cafe and how we handle it...which is awesome because sometimes they can be completely nuts.

This isn't the only blessing of abundance on the cafe right now, either. Last week we were running low on vegetables. I'm pretty sure we only had a couple tomatoes, a cucumber and an eggplant. Not much to work with in making paninis and salads. Last Thursday a box appeared on one of the tables with a note. It was full of fresh organic fruits and vegetables from a store who had decided to support us. We get another box or two every week. We don't have enough storage space! Last week I was fretting about having no peppers....now there's 12 sitting in the fridge waiting to be used.

Since it's summer, the cafe's always filled with kids in the afternoons. They're usually a huge pain, begging for free stuff, running around, getting in fights, playing the drums way too loud and without any rhythm....this afternoon, the cafe was overflowing with kids....and we were able to give them as much as they could eat...so now we're giving out hotdogs with everything you could ever want on them, plus cookies. I think they like that the best. I just love seeing the transformation that happens in these kids when we can shower love on them...most of their moms send them down to the cafe for free babysitting...there's like 3 and 4 year olds wandering around the streets without any supervision – it breaks my heart...and I'm so glad that they have a place to go where they can feel loved and be looked after. Please pray for patience on our part, because it's often extremely taxing.

I had a short conversation with one of the little girls this morning..it went something like this.

N – What are you doing?
H – I'm making bread.
N – What kind of bread?
H – It's for sandwiches.
N – Oh. This place is kind of like a house.
H – Oh yeah? How's that?
N – Well, there's computers here, and couches, and places to hang out. And on movie nights, it just really feels like a house.
H – Yeah, it is kind of like a house, isn't it?

I know it doesn't really say much, but I think what she really meant was home...the cafe is like home. A real home where there isn't any drugs, booze, sex, abuse...it's a safe place, a place where they're loved and cared for. I thank God for all that He's doing in this community...and I pray that more people will come to see how much has already changed, and how much more there is to come!

Aliquippa - Day Twenty-Five

2007-06-28T14:02:00.000-03:00

I came to a rather rude awakening this morning. I'm not really sure how to vocalize it so...Warning: Rambling may occur.

I like being spoon-fed. Hard to believe? Not so much. Who doesn't like not having to work for anything? Who doesn't like feeling "spiritual" without trying? I'm craving the Christian Bubble and it's pissing me off.

I turned 20 this year, and that ticked me off because I was no longer a teenager. Now I'm supposed to be spiritually mature too? Whatever. Haha. Kidding. I'm totally glad that I realized this, because it means that I can do something about it. I'm being a little bit of a whiner, but God thinks I'm awesome.

I really like the whole "eating/hungry/being fed" illustration that comes with a life with God. It makes a lot of sense. Living in the Christian Bubble, it's easy to just open your mouth (or your heart or whatever image you want) and be fed. It's a pretty sweet deal, n'est-ce pas? The sucky part is that as soon as you're out in the "real world", there's no more airplane coming through the hanger...no more butterfly flying into the net...no more choo-choo train going through the tunnel...you get the idea. Not only do I have to go shopping for my own food, but I also have to make it, and (heaven forbid) feed myself!? And then I have to clean up whatever mess I made! Growing up sucks, but it's a part of life, so I guess I just have to deal with it.

Really, I'm not doing it too grudgingly. I'm actually kind of enjoying developping my own routine. It certainly makes my devotional life a whole lot more real. And valuable...because if I don't do it, no one else is going to do it for me. Frick. But it also makes it a whole lot more satisfying.

God's so friggin gracious. Sometimes I can't even handle it. He's a RockStar.

I'm not sure why I felt so led to spill this all out on the internet...hopefully it speaks to someone. Otherwise...enjoy my silly rants!

Peace+

Note to Self

2007-06-25T21:59:00.000-03:00

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4..

Praise the Lord, oh my soul, praise the Lord!

Though You slay me, I will trust You, Lord.

2007-06-24T20:20:00.000-03:00

Here's a shout out to everyone who's pissed with the direction the church is going.

Recently I was reading Rob Bell's book, "Velvet Elvis". There's a part in it where he speaks about the church. I believe he also held a conference on the church just a few months ago called "Isn't She Beautiful". Here's a little excerpt for you. I hope that it's encouraging.

"She's a mystery, isn't she? Still going after all this time. After the Crusades and the Inquisition and Christian cable television. Still going. And there continue to be people like me who believe she is one of the best ideas ever. In spite of all the ways she has veered off track. In spite of all the people who have actually turned away from God because of what they experienced in the church. I am starting to realize why: The church is like a double-edged sword. When it's good, when it's on, when it's right, it's like nothing else on earth. A group of people committed to selflessly serving and loving the world around them? Great. But when it's bad, all that potential gets turned the other way. From the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. Sometimes in the same week. Sometimes in the same day.

But she will live on. She's indestructible. When she dies in one part of the world, she explodes in another. She's global. She's universal. She's everywhere. And while she's fragile, she's going to endure. In every generation there will be those who see her beauty and give their lives to see her shine. Jesus said the gates of hell will not prevail against her. That's strong language. And it's true. She will continue to roll across the ages, serving and giving and connecting people with God and each other. And people will abuse her and manipulate her and try to control her, but they'll pass on. And she will keep going." (Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, p. 172).

Clearly what's going right now is not of God. It isn't good, or true, or right, or pure, or holy, or peaceful. It makes me feel completely nauseous and frustrated and broken. It definitely shows me how little power I have. But I choose to trust the living God. He's always been in control, He is now, and He's going to be. My heart aches for the church and for what people are trying to do to her right now. It's a tug-of-war. And she's going to be ripped in half. But she's indestructible, right? I say, don't give up on the church - she's going to last way longer than you anyways. The Bride of Christ will prevail. She and her Husband ARE going to live happily ever after. And it's going to be Good.

Aliquippa – Day 17

2007-06-21T10:58:00.000-03:00

Clearly I'm not as good at this keeping up to date thing as I thought....or maybe it's exactly what I thought. Regardless! I have not lived up to the expectations I set for myself, so I'm sorry to anyone involved.

The last week has been incredibly intense. Last week there was a confrontation of sorts...wasn't well received at all, which we totally thought it would be. But I know that I went into it being obedient to God, and I know that every word I spoke was in His will. I was totally shaken afterwards and it took the entire next day to recover from it, but I suppose that's just what happens when you turn the other cheek over and over and over again. I'm not sure if things have gotten better yet, because things feel kind of fake.....but I think that things will at least get circumstantially better tomorrow.....

We're house-sitting for a family for the next week while they go to the beach. They have a friggin nice house in a super nice neighbourhood. Should be a treat.

I've been reading this book that Reed asked me to read for the summer called The Holiness of God by R C Sproul. It's seriously one of the best books I've read in a long time. I usually read about a chapter a day (when I'm not crazy busy doing everything else..but you know). It's been really eye-opening..and incredibly convicting. I've been coming to terms a whole lot with the vast expanse of my own unholinesss. It sucks. Last Sunday I was so struck by it, and I couldn't seem to get past the part where God is wholly holy and wholly just..and I'm wholly not. Like, John 3:16 isn't just a nice memory verse..it's actually the explanation for why Jesus died. Because God loved us so much. Even though we sucked! Man...

I can't say I'm in a dry place, because I'm not. Father's speaking a lot of things to my heart. I just feel really desperate....which I suppose is a good thing, and probably an answer to prayer in some ways.

K..I have to go..but I have so much more to say..but this is a start. So I'll add a PS a little later on when I get the chance.
Peace out y'all.

Aliquippa - Day Nine

2007-06-13T18:26:00.000-03:00

The cafe was super slow today...in customers anyways. I didn't have much time to just chill though. I really wanted to just read, but every time I'd go to open my book, someone would come talk to me or ask me a question..and I suppose that's what I'm there for. B and I hung out for a while. As soon as I walked in he beckoned Erin and I over. Apparently CA wants to send him to a detox clinic and he's really upset about it. He threatened to never come back to the cafe. And then the rest of the day, I was helping him on the computer looking up detox clinics all around the country and especially in Branson! We sang some songs on the guitar. I learned a new one - While my guitar gently weeps by the Beatles. What a character...

EC was in a lot of pain today. He's got lung cancer and is pretty much wasting away. He hangs out at the cafe every day and sleeps on the couch. I think he's coming for dinner at Alison's tonight. I like him lots. I hope that he's got some peace about his condition..because he's pretty much wasting away. But his heart is doing massive transformation..PTL.

Tomorrow is my day off! Woot! I'm going to the salon and T is going to help my dreads out. Looking forward to seeing her again.

My soul is slightly achy..but other than that, I'm growing.
Peace+

Aliquippa – Day Four

2007-06-08T19:17:00.000-03:00

Well, I asked to be stretched..and I'm being stretched. I am not good at working with children. Some would probably disagree, so let me rephrase that a little bit. I might be good at working with children, but it's definitely not one of my passions and I definitely have to apply myself and it takes a lot of work. I've been at the cafe pretty much all day with the exception of going to the catholic school to play guitar for a bunch of kids..again. For the last two hours, there was a group of about fifteen kids hanging out..usually I just can't even handle it, but God must have had other plans, because I'm thinking that I might have been the most patient person here. I thought they were kind of funny and super cute...we had to kick them out though because they disobeyed the rules three times. Got stick to the rules. Accountability. They just need someone to actually give a crap about them. It's amazing. They're craving love and attention – positive attention...although any attention at all would probably do.

It's Open Mic tonight, so the cafe's open until midnight. I don't think we'll be here that late though...I'm craving peace and quiet, so I'm really glad that there's only like five people in the cafe right now..and Justin's looking after them. I'm so beat. But I'm glad. I want to be. I can't believe how self-focused I can be/am. So I welcome a bit of depravity – it's putting me on the right track again, or at least giving me the motivation to get back on the right track before I stray too much. I guess it's just regular struggles, but it's really getting to me. I say that Jesus is my center, that He's my focus, that He's my everything, and yet so often I don't put Him first..I think about myself and what I want to accomplish for God instead of what He wants to do through me. Frig..it's hard.

I'm outie..

Jesus is the Rock, the Rock that lasts...

2007-06-06T22:58:00.000-03:00

Sick sucks. I have a sinus cold. Makes it hard to function seeing as I feel completely stoned. God is definitely working through it though, because even though I feel like crap, it isn't deterring me from doing anything.

Today, I gave E a haircut and he told me a whole bunch about his life. He's good news. I totally appreciate him. I just love how open and transparent people are. It brings so much hope to my life. He tried cutting his hair himself and somehow managed to do - you guessed it - a crappy job. So I fixed it as best as I could and told him that once it grew out some more that I'd fix it again. Another guy has asked if I would cut his hair as well. I think this could turn into a good ministry. Hilary's Haircuts. Woot!

Anyways..I've decided to die some more - and by dying, I mean to myself. I'm sick of how self-focused I am. I mean, I claim that Jesus is my center, my rock, my refuge, my all in all, and yet fail to put that into practice every day.

Shine, Jesus, Shine!

But seriously - I'm really concerned about my focus and my priorities...I have it down in my head, but it hasn't all made the transfer into my heart. I guess what I'm really trying to do is to embrace routine, but not for routine's sake. Maybe this won't make sense to you, but I've decided to name Jesus as my routine. I hate routines, but I love Jesus, and if He is my center, then that should be part of my daily life, and if it's part of my daily life, then that makes it a routine, in which case I can no longer hate my routine because that would mean hating Jesus. Whew.

Now that I've got that off my chest, I think it might be a wise decision to head to bed seeing as I have to be at the cafe early tomorrow to go to the Catholic school with John to play guitar.

Peace out..

Aliquippa - Day One

2007-06-06T15:04:00.000-03:00

So, we're here. It's hot and humid, and I'm friggin' tired. But I'm really trying hard to discipline myself to this whole blogging thing. I think it will be good for me. Can't promise that every post is going to be super deep and eventful, but I'm going to do my best to keep y'all posted as to my life here in Aliquippa.Today, we left the school at 5:00 am, drove to Bangor, took a couple airplanes, and got to Pittsburg around 3:00 pm. We couldn't find John for a while, so I got bored and decided to sit down and play some guitar. Pretty much as soon as I started playing, this guy with a Harley shirt and a bandana comes over and asks us if we're from Canada...and that's how we were introduced to John Stanley. He took us into Aliquippa, which, I must say, is far from the grungey hole I was expecting. It's actually quite nice looking. He took us to the cafe. It was exactly how I'd pictured it and is so full of awesomeness and potential that it's giving me shivers. We had some beverages and got the chance to talk with one of the guys that hangs around there. He told us a bit of his story - sad, but also so amazing how much work God is doing in him and through him. I can't wait to come along side these people and love on them. We're staying at Nancy's house, which she just moved into two weeks ago...so there isn't much furniture or space...but it'll be home for the summer...and I think it's going to be awesome. Anyways...as previously mentioned, I'm exhausted...so I'm going to sleep now. Tomorrow we're going to the cafe first thing. Way to dive right in!Goodnight.

NEWS FLASH #2

2007-05-04T18:16:00.000-03:00

Recent developments in the life of Hilary.

- I'm 20 (that means I'm not a teen-ager anymore...freaky)
- I'm home (BC IS SO GREEN...I heart it.)
- I am a friggin driving genious (I just passed my driving test..woot!)

that's about it.

Peace out homeslices.

Who the heck am I?

2007-04-25T01:00:00.000-03:00

Just a little bit of transparency for y'all. Ever since I did this project for school "Protect Yourself from Identity Theft", I have been becoming more and more aware of just how much I don't actually know who I am. Not just as a Christian..but as me..Hilary.. So I'm trying to figure it out. Here's what I've come up with so far:

I am.. a devout follower of Jesus Christ – He is my personal Lord and Savior, my Teacher and Redeemer, the Love of my life, and my Best Friend.

I am.. broken.

I have.. a heart for other broken people.

I am.. frustrated by people, and I love them anyways.

I am.. learning each day how to become more like Christ.

I am.. very aware that my failures out-weigh my successes daily.

I am.. completely OK with that.

I have.. mastered the servant heart..apparently..

I am.. bent on actively learning from each mistake I make.

I am.. completely lost and insecure in my own flesh.

I am.. not dependent on my own flesh, but on Jesus', broken for me.

I.. enter fully into worship, straight into the heart of God.

I have.. an amazing plan laid out before me – something bigger and better than anything I can dream up.

I know.. what my passions are, but am completely open to God's guidance...my passion for Him outweighs my passion for anything in the world.

I am.. authentic..in that I generally say what I mean and mean what I say.

I am.. a work in progress.

I am.. being refined to do God's work.

I.. struggle with taking things far too personally.

I.. often put too much weight on my own emotions...even though I know they are a lost cause.

I.. think way too much.

I am.. honest and have integrity.

I am.. not fantastic with confrontation..although I'm getting better.

I am.. confident that God will complete the work that He has started in me through Christ Jesus.

I honestly do not know why I'm sharing this with people...seems a bit too vulnerable, but I'm being told to risk it.

While I'm at it, I'd really love to hear from you guys a bit about who you think you are..it's a lot harder than it looks...oh goodness, is it ever hard. But definitely worth it.

God, thanks so much that I've been created in Your image and that You continue to transform me and refine me to look more and more like Your Son each day...help me to be open to this transformation..to Your heart..and to Your will..Make me ever new in You. Hold my hand really tightly as we make our way through this crazy journey together..don't ever let me go.

NEWS FLASH!

2007-04-24T15:40:00.000-03:00

HILARY IS OFFICIALLY DONE ALL HER EXAMS!!!

AND SHE DID SO WITHOUT SUSTAINING ANY INJURIES!!

WOOOOO!

I'm so excited. God is so good. How good you might ask? SO good that I actually was able to enjoy writing all my exams because we were just chillin' together. It was sweet. God is so gracious..and good..and wonderful...and just all around excellent.

Now it's a count down to my birthday (4 days...I'm going to be 20...oh goodness..)...to grad and commissioning (5 days...I'm gonna miss you crazy kids..) and to home (6 days...holy crap...I'm going home in 6 days..).

If you haven't noticed by now, I am extremely giddy and excitable.

But don't worry: I'll try to refrain from rolling around on the floor.

Thanks Jesus...You're a RockStar..

[this is me....tres excite...]

Ok..so it's an old picture..same sentiment.

Trading my sorrows..

2007-04-20T00:10:00.000-03:00

God is so friggin' Good. He amazes me pretty much every second of the day.

For the last (nearly) eight months of my life, Romans 5:1-5 have been like my theme verses. Only now have I gotten to the point where I can say that I rejoice in every circumstance, and that I'm beginning to see how and where God is working in my life as I go through different trials. He's given me the eyes to see His will in progress no matter how crappy or how amazing the situation.

This semester I have taken so much from my Ethics and Adolescent Psychology courses. They've really opened my eyes as to how I'm truly supposed to live....I'll just give you a couple pieces of wisdom that have really spoken to me..

I am not responsible for anyone; I am responsible to them.

As long as my heart is in the right place, I am not responsible for others' reactions, only for how I react.

Stop asking the wrong questions - like what are the exceptions in God's will - and simply do God's will!

God's commands for us are not high ideals, but highly achievable norms for the best way of life ever.

And that's just a taste...all that comes to mind right now anyways, seeing as it's about 12:02 am. Hope that speaks to you as much as it does to me!

Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, Bless the Lord!

ps...that's me..super overjoyed...right..NOW!

random thoughts of a rambling mind..

2007-04-11T13:49:00.000-03:00

I have been recently informed that I am a blog abandoner. So I have sought to clear up the sully of my good name.

These last two months have been, again, stetching and challenging. But they've been so much better! Ever since I hurt my back around Christmas, I've been going through a little valley. Took me about three months to get to the other side. But it was well worth it. While I was there, God spoke to me a whole lot about Himself and who He is and what it is that He wants to accomplish in my life. All in all, I'M REALLY FRIGGIN EXCITED! I'm also completely terrified. I suppose that's probably a good thing though. At least I know that I won't be relying on my own resources, because I got nuthin'. And I'm starting to realize just how much I still have to learn. Not that I was all "Super-Christian-to-the-rescue" full of myself before or anything. I suppose I've just been getting ahead of myself a little bit. Maybe getting ahead of God is a better way to put it. Something that I've been wrestling with since the very beginning of the year has been the balance in my life between my education and practical ministry. I think I'm getting a little bit more perspective on things right now. I just want to dive out into the world of dirt and grime...but I'm starting to understand (in my heart...not just my head) that there's no way that I can be effective in my ministry if I am ignoring the ministry in my own backyard. And I'm not talking like Saint John is my backyard ..I'm talking about my roommates, my close friends, the people I go to church with being my backyard. It's like, when I think about people on the street, or rebellious teenagers...man. I just haven't been very gracious to Christians lately. It's like I think they should know better. And then I look at myself, and at my own heart..and I should know better. Basically, if I can't be Christ to and see Christ in the people I live and work with, then how the heck and am I supposed to be Christ to and see Christ in people who don't even know Him!?

It's like I'm walking, but I've forgotten how to crawl.. Looks like I have to get on my knees yet again..

ooh happy day!

2007-02-13T11:55:00.000-04:00

Recent life has been very..well..wavy. Unstable. Emotions flying EVERY which way. Never knowing how I'm going to feel when I open my eyes in the morning. Good thing I don't put any weight in my flesh or my emotions. *snort*. Thank God for grace.

I have made a very serious decision. No longer will I be bored. There is absolutely no reason for boredom. There are so many things to do! And I can find joy in everything that I do. Why is that? Because Jesus rocks my socks off. And He's always around. I have come to realize that pretty much the only cause of my boredom is laziness....and church history..but I'm working on finding joy in that one.

There are so many things that I want to do. And yet, for some reason, I don't do them, as if the timing isn't right or something. In some cases this is true, but in most, it is false.

Yesterday I was craving ocean air. I had one of the most amazing flashbacks in the morning. Toffino...middle of the night....crashing waves soaking my rolled up jeans...running around on the beach trying to find our shoes in the moonlight.. Put me in the mood for surfing. So as I was sitting in my room last night...contemplating how bored I was...I decided to imagine this as a possibility! Clearly the surfing part wasn't so much a possibility. I don't think that my BC blood could handle New Brunswick waters. But I did get to go the ocean! Gorgeous.. Thank you, Shawn!! Ahh, how I love spontaneity.

On another note...

God is doing massive renovations in my heart. Tearing down old walls, installing new windows, putting in new insulation, filling in the cracks of my foundation.. Kind of hurts..old nails being ripped out, new ones put in. But it is well with my soul.

2007-02-07T21:55:00.000-04:00

"Spiritual lust makes me demand an answer from God, instead of seeking God Who gives the answer."

I will follow You..

2007-01-27T11:14:00.000-04:00

Where You go, I go
What You say, I say
What You pray, I pray

I'm entering a new phase in my life. It's not the happiest one ever, but I am still filled with joy. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. I am re-learning that God is with me just as much in my sorrows as He is in my happiness. Unfortunately, in order to learn this, I must be sorrowful... Awesome, ain't it?

Jesus only did what He saw You do
He would only say what He heard You speak
He would only move where He felt You lead
Following Your heart, following Your Spirit

The more I grow in Christ, the stronger of a pull I feel towards ministry in the streets. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs in the Kingdom of Heaven. I know that if this is where I go that I will facing many difficulties, struggles, heart-breaking, gut-wrenching situations. I know that Jesus was a man of sorrow, well-acquainted with grief. So I'm trying to embrace this chunk of my path, being re-acquainted with the sorrows of my past. It is difficult though. I really feel as though I do not have time to be thinking about these things...struggling not to let it distract me from writing essays, reading textbooks...

Still, I do see the benefit of it. In some ways it has been an answer to prayer...[they never come the way I expect..] I have been asking Him to reveal to me where He was working in my life before I knew Him so that I might have more stories of hope to tell those whom I come across. Of course, I thought I might just receive these stories through little bursts of happy revelation. I did not expect to have to re-experience it all. It doesn't usually happen the easy way though, so I don't know why I didn't expect it.

So how can I expect to walk without You
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I will not begin to live without You
For You alone are worthy, You are always good

So even though this is difficult, I am happy and I do feel blessed. It takes more energy than usual. All I really feel like doing is sleeping and/or watching movies so that I don't have to think about all the things I'm thinking about. Sometimes it's so much easier to do that than it is to actually go to God, even just being with Him..even though that's my favorite thing to do. Silly vicious cycles. Either way, I know that I am being continually transformed, and that is definitely something to rejoice over!

Jesus, be my strength through this time...and always. I know that in my weakness You are strong. Please help me to be OK with that.

[Song: Where You go I go by Brian and Jenn Johnson]

Radical in the Regular..

2007-01-14T21:55:00.000-04:00

So I had me a revelation today. I've been continuing to struggle with finding the balance in my life between my studies and my passion for practical mission...like 24/7. I so wish that I could just be out meeting people and helping them and showing them the heart of Christ. And at the same time, I have school and homework, which is helping to further my education so that I will be able to be more effective in my ministry. It's all about evangelism, either doing it or learning about it. Maybe that's why I've been having such a difficult time figuring it all out, because they're both good and necessary things.

So I want to be radical for Christ. I want to go out and change the world. I want to go out and show people the love that God has for them. I want to go out and do daring, crazy things. But I'm not there. I can't. I have school and responsibilities. Don't get me wrong. I love school so much, and God is doing so many amazing things in my heart that I can't even describe it. But I'm just so frigging excited about all the plans that God has for me that I'm having a hard time waiting.

Anyways, the revelation that I came to was that in reality, it is easier to be radical for Christ while doing radical things. It's easier to be truly faithful if I have a gun up to my head. It's easier to show Christ's love by feeding orphaned children in a third world country. So the real challenge is to be truly radical for Christ while doing not-so-radical things. To be radical in the regular. There will be times in my life for extreme and exciting adventures in far-off places, there will be times for me to reach out to the unloved in my own community, there will be many times for me to sit in class and learn more about reaching out to a hurting world, there will be more times for me to sit in solitude with my Best Friend, my personal Lord and Saviour, and grow more intimate with Him.

So for now, I will learn to be satisfied with where I am and what I am able to do with my time while constantly yearning for more of Jesus in my life. I will learn to be radical in my everyday life, not worrying about seeming radical, but resting in the knowledge that God is working in me and through me in every circumstance...and I'm going to enjoy the ride.

Jesus is the Way..He is the destination and the journey itself..

2007-01-10T08:14:00.000-04:00

Over the last few weeks, I have had a pretty bleak outlook on life. Of course, I have reasons, but to be completely honest, none of them really cut it. I hurt my back and was on major painkillers, I had my very first Christmas away from home while detoxing from said drugs, and I've had some general difficulties that come with this thing called life. But what I have recently realized is that I have been letting myself be distracted from doing what it is that Jesus has and is and will be calling me to do. Of course, I have many legitimate reasons to have been distracted, but that is by the world's standards. And I do not want to live by the world's standards. I will live by heavenly standards because this world is deplete. Here is my progressive revelation. The only thing of value and worth in this world of ours is ourselves and other people. So what is the point of putting energy towards anything else? I will not let the enemy distract me with worldly worries. I will not forsake Jesus because He has never and will never forsake me. I will forsake the good for the better. I will forsake the better for the best. I will forsake the best for the only. And the only thing is Jesus. I must learn to be Jesus for the world whilst seeing Him in those that I serve. “...I needed clothes, and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me...Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

growing up.

2007-01-08T08:06:00.000-04:00

Wow, so apparently I just really suck at updating. Life for me has taken quite the turn in the last 3 weeks or so. [Haha, seems like my life pretty much just goes in 3 week blocks]. Anyways, I think I've done a whole lot of growing up. Kind of weird. I really hurt my back, so I was on Tylonel 3s and muscle relaxants for about 2 weeks during which I could do nothing but watch TV. It was pretty much meaningless. But also during that period I did a whole lot of thinking and praying about who I was in Christ, who I was going to be, and what does it all mean anyways? Basically, I had a quarter-life identity crisis. Maybe I'm still having it a little bit, but I know I'm on the right track. Anyways, while this has all been happening, I have also been experiencing my first Christmas away from home. It did not help at all that I was detoxing from all the pain-killers I had been taking. So I was not a very happy camper for quite a bit of it. But I was so incredibly blessed by Rose and her family [Thank you, Mama Rosa! I love you]. Even though I was a bit of a grouch, they treated me like the family I so desperately needed. It was quite wonderful, really.

So I survived my first Christmas away from home. School is starting in about 15 minutes for my second term here at Taylor College. Half-way mark, and then I'll be home. I am having to be reminded about things like this lately. Of course I'm having the time of my life here, but I am beginning to have to face the reality that I am actually at the exact other side of the country. SO weird. I do know that this is exactly where God wants me to be right now though. And that is very comforting.

Tongues, Coffee, and Baptism

2006-12-07T15:27:00.000-04:00

Ok..this is potentially going to be a recap of the entire last three weeks of my life. So if you want to grab a cup of coffee or maybe go to the washroom I'd suggest doing that now.

The Holy Spirit is at it again. Throwing me around, messing with my life, and renewing my entire being. Three months ago, pretty much when I first got here, I was having a real hard time with the fact that I did not speak in tongues. I wrestled with it, and God and I got into a few good rows about it. But I still did not do it. He blessed me in many other ways, and I am being completely wrecked. (That's a good thing, by the way). Three weeks ago while I was at group, Rose and I were pretty gone even before we got there, so we went inside, and I was sitting in the living room by myself. As I was sitting there, I started rattling off in some other language. Hahaha. Then Katie came in and asked me who I was talking to. I'm still not entirely sure about this whole speaking in tongues thing. I feel pretty awkward and slightly foolish, but I suppose I'll just have to get over that.

I have given up drinking coffee. I no longer enjoy it whatsoever. It's really quite unfortunate as I am still rather in need of caffeine. Oh goodness. I've taken up Chai Tea again, which is lovely. I went to Tim Horton's last night so looking forward to having an apple cider. And then they didn't have any. I was severely disappointed. I pretty much never have my mind made up before I go in, and so I had it all ready. Then they said that they didn't have any. I was so choked. I got a little bit testy. At least they actually had chocolate danishes. One left with my name on it! Although, I'm really not sure if I should have eaten that seeing as my love handles are slightly larger than I would like them to be. Anyways, moving right along.

I got re-baptized! Two weeks ago! It was quite the spur of the moment thing, although I had actually been thinking about it for the last two years. I got baptized when I was months old and so, quite obviously, I do not remember it. I've been wrestling with this whole not remembering thing. Baptism is rather important and it is the kind of thing that people like to have in their memories. So they were baptizing people at my church, Grace Harvest, and I was asked to play my guitar for it. After struggling with whether or not I was going to do it for the entire morning, I talked to Rose about it, and she told me to bring my bathing suit. Still not knowing if I was going to do it, I wore my bathing suit under my clothes...just in case. Haha, yeah right. About 15 minutes before the actual thing, while I was tuning my guitar, Rose came and asked me if I was going to do it. And I blurted out 'Yes! Yes I am!' So there was me..having told no one else..going to get baptized...not knowing what my mother would think...inner turmoil! I tried to be discreet about it..hiding behind people, while being completely obvious as I was definitely in my bathing suit. Apparently I just looked like I was very excited about going swimming afterwards. Haha. So as I walked into the pool, Jessie, Christian, and Skyy all yelled out, 'What!? I didn't know she was getting baptized!!', to which I replied, 'I didn't know either!' So there you have it, I got baptized again..which was wonderful. Although it hasn't really changed my life, I now have that special memory of giving my life to Jesus.....belated by 2 and a half years, but that's just how it goes. And then I told my mom, and she was actually a bit excited for me, which was wonderful!

God continues to renovate my heart a little more each day. I have many struggles because of all the silly deceitful desires of my heart. But He helps me to overcome them everyday. I was quite vulnerable in class today, spilling out all the things that God has been breaking in my heart...breaking it over the things that His heart breaks over..just like I asked for. It hurts though! I suppose that's what happens when things break. I am being pruned. It hurts now, but I know that it will help me to grow more quickly and more healthily. Lord, give me strength..

apology.

2006-12-05T14:54:00.000-04:00

I realize that it has been eons since I have made any kind of real post...and I apologize because this is not going to be one. I am in the midst of finishing my very last essay of the term and then I will be studying for exams. But the thing is that so many radical things have been happening lately and I definitely want and need to post about them. I just ask that you have patience. Wait with anticipation because the next one's going to be fantastic!

Loving and Jesus' Blessings on y'all!

Constant Communion

2006-11-23T10:28:00.000-04:00

Luke 18:1-14

We ought always to pray. This doesn't mean to pray when we get up and then before we go to bed. This isn't about saying grace before having a meal or even opening up our classes in prayer. This is about unceasing prayer. Praying so that our thoughts would just be a conversation with God. God knows our heart, and He knows our mind, but He wants us to tell Him what's going on in our lives. He wants us to tell Him the details. He wants us to come to Him persistently with all of our concerns and all of our needs. Even the things that we only think we need. He wants us to ask Him, and then He'll let us know if it's something that we don't actually need. He's our Father. He wants us to come to Him with stories and to just rattle off whatever is going on in our lives. We ought never to think that we are bothersome to Him, because He has all the time in the world for us. All throughout the Scriptures, we are told to pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17), to be constant in prayer (Romans 12:12), to pray in the Spirit at all times in every prayer and supplication (Ephesians 6:18), to continue steadfastly in prayer (Colossians 4:2). And even when we don't know what to pray for or how to pray, Paul says in Romans that the Spirit will help us in our weakness. That the Spirit himself will intercede for us with groanings that are too deep for words.

We ought not lose heart. Sometimes we'll be praying for someone, maybe a friend or a family member, and we'll be really into it and fervent at first, but as time goes on and we don't see results we tend to get discouraged. That's actually happened to me lately. About a month ago I heard that my cousin Jesse had been in a fire and was in the hospital with 10% of his body burned. And at first, I prayed for him a lot. But then, no one in my family keeps in touch with him or really knows him at all because he's kind a black sheep in the family. And so I didn't hear anything about him. And slowly he stopped coming to mind and so I didn't pray him as often. But then I realized that God wasn't done with him, and that I shouldn't be either. In Samuel, he says that it would be a sin against God is he were to cease praying for his people. Imagine that, that it's actually a sin to cease praying for someone that God has put on your heart to pray for. So even when we don't see results or hear anything, it's imperative that we continue to pray because God works everything out in His time, not ours.

And when it comes to praying, we need to be pray with a humble heart. In the second parable, Jesus tells of two men, a Pharisee and a tax collector who go to the Temple to pray. And the Pharisee he prays to God, thanking Him that he, the Pharisee, not God, is so wonderful. That he does everything right, that he isn't like the tax collector. He boasts to God about all the great things that he does and doesn't give God any credit. And then the tax collector, who was someone that no one liked. Obviously, because he took their money... he doesn't even look up. He simply begs for God to have mercy on him because he's a sinner. And Jesus says that he's one who goes home justified. He's the one who's OK. He's the one who's got Jesus. In Matthew, Jesus says that we mustn't pray in public in order to be seen by others. He tells us that we are to go into our rooms and pray to God in solitude. Now I don't think that this means that whenever we pray we are to go seclude ourselves, because otherwise we'd always have to be alone, right? Instead it's a matter of the heart. That we aren't praying in order to look righteous, but simply to talk to God. We are also told that if we must boast, that we are to boast about the things that show our weakness. That we aren't to boast about our wisdom or our might or our riches, but we are to boast that we know God. What better thing is there to have in the world but a knowledge and a relationship with God Almighty? Jesus even said, “If I glorify myself, my glory is nothing. It is my Father who glorifies me, of whom you say, 'He is our God'. But you have not known him. I know him. If I were to say that I do not know him, I would be a liar like you, but I do know him and I keep his word.” So let's come to God with everything that's on our hearts and minds. Let's come to Him expectant that he's going to do all things in His own time. Let's give the glory to God and let Him be the glory maker.

Can you ever just be whelmed?

2006-11-21T10:54:00.000-04:00

I realize it has been quite a while since I actually wrote anything. But here I am! I'm back!

Life has been pretty busy lately, if not hectic. I am whelmed. Not overwhelmed. Just whelmed when I see all that I need to accomplish in the next month. It is actually quite amazing. I have an essay every week, plus class presentations and book reports. At the same time, I have placement and all my other random escapades. I know that I am a student and that it is OK when I shut myself up in my room in order to do homework and whatnot, because that is to be expected. But at the same time I am restless. I am having a hard time sitting and learning about things that I would much rather be out doing. And I know that this is important so that I will actually be effective when I do go out and do it. This does not stop my restlessness. I will simply have to find the balance. It will be quite the search. Lord, please help me to find the balance in my life, and let me be Ok with it.

I think that I might be on a down week, although I do not actually feel down. I think that I am just contemplative. Maybe it is just the song that I am listening to at the moment that has put me in this pensive place. I feel like I am a kid at the beach, and I have many toys to play with in the sand. And I want to make a sand castle with a moat. And I want to put those floaty things on my arms and go swimming with imaginary dolphins. And I want to fly a kite. And I want to bury by dad in the sand and make him look like a pretty mermaid. I want to do it all. At the same time. Because it is all so Good. But I know that I can't. And that is frustrating.

God...You have saturated my heart with so many passions. You fill me with joy in every instance. Help me to know what You want me to pursue and accomplish and when to do so. I only want to do Your will. Because it is perfection.

Empty yet Full...

2006-11-08T15:21:00.000-04:00

If thou could'st empty all thyself of self,
Like to a shell dishabited,
Then might He find thee on the ocean shelf,
And say, "This is not dead,"
And fill thee with Himself instead.

But thou art all replete with very thou
And hast such shrewd activity,
That when He comes He says, "This is enow
Unto itself - 'twere better let it be,
It is so small and full, there is no rom for me."

- Sir Thomas Brown

Lord, please help me to be so empty of myself
so that there's room for only You.
Let me drink in Your Spirit with every breath.
Saturate me. Inebriate me. Captivate me.
Jesus, I want to know You so much more than I ever even dreamed about before.
Help me not to be distracted by the things that I don't understand.
('cause I don't understand You)
Take my hand, Jesus, and help me to walk in Your ways.
I want to kiss Your face.

Gimme another shot of that Godka

2006-11-07T09:11:00.000-04:00

OH MAN!
This weekend was nuts. I can't even handle it. I am so sloshed in the Spirit. It doens't stop, and I don't want it to. All I want to do is just worship God all the time. And that's pretty much all I've been doing. For the past few nights Skyy, Allan, and Travis have been coming over and we all worship and party with Jesus. God has been pouring songs into my heart. Yesterday all during class, I couldn't stop writing songs. Even my notes inspired me. I wrote 9 pages of songs. And I'm still going. Jesus, You are Great.

OOH! Haha, so much awesome stuff happened this weekend. So many people got healed. Allan's shoulder, Skyy's foot, and I got gold fillings!! Woohoo! At least 3 of them. I can't really see the rest of them. Susan has 1 gold filling and her other 2 fillings are gone now! God is so crazy. He's completely mad. And I love Him like that!

John Crowder is an amazing speaker. And he looks like a billy goat. He's so smashed all the time. It's awesome. I'm really looking forward to reading his book, New Mystics. If you haven't, you should, because apparently it's awesome.

God's done so many amazing things in my life that I can't even begin to express it. But I'll try to!

I won't run..
I won't hide..
Change me inside!!!

You're full of Jesus. . .

2006-11-03T09:36:00.000-04:00

This blog is probably a little bit overdue, seeing as nearly everyone probably knows already. But I'm going to write it anyways, because I'm just so freaking excited! Last week the Equipping Evangelists team was here. They were hanging around the school having meetings and stuff, so they were hanging out with us during our coffee breaks. This one guy, Steve, was talking to a bunch of us girls. Then he started to pray for us. He prayed for guidance and for wisdom and all that jazz. Then we all had to go to class. Jessie and I were the last ones to leave, and I was bubbling up inside. The first words that poured out of my mouth were, “Dude, I'm gonna be in church army.” Hahaha. And I got all weepy. So I went to talk to Kim about it and he wasn't surprised at all. He told me to talk to Bruce about it. So at the retreat, I went and talked with him for a few minutes. He got all teary-eyed and said that he and Kim had been meeting for the last month about who was going to be at Taylor next year..and they already knew! Go figure. I told my mom about it the other night, and she got a little weepy and said that she'd already known as well. She was telling me about how she went and visited Erin the other day at the shoe box and they were talking about Erin, Jessie and I being in the same classes next year. Oh goodness...of course everyone knew except me. It always seems to happen like that. Either way, I'm surprised that I came to this conclusion so early in the year. There have been many awesome and amazing things happening this week. I got a little tipsy in the Spirit last night at young adults group. Haha...people's reactions were great. Many of these people are into drinking and drugs and whatnot, and I think it was quite the witness for them to see someone so out of it without any outside influences. Anyways, one of the guys, Doug, is coming to Miracles in the Maritimes (starting tonight!!! EEP!) and I'm super excited for him. He's gonna get blown away! Wonderbar!
I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS WEEKEND! IT'S GOING TO BE SO FREAKING SWEETAWESOME!

more later on all the sweetawesomeness. . .

Beauty in the Broken

2006-10-26T14:35:00.000-03:00

Humanity is fallen. This becomes more and more apparent as each day goes by. But we are still redeemable. This is also becoming more apparent. God is so beautiful that way. I've been angry with the world for a long time. So much that I eventually stopped watching the news or reading the newspaper. Now I'm learning how to see people through God's eyes. He clearly thinks that we're worth something because otherwise He wouldn't have come and died for us. Makes sense, eh?

This young adults group is really bringing me back to my 'roots'. Hanging out with angry punk rawkers with big opinions. From the world's perspective these people are probably not worth my time, but God has given me such a heart for them. I am seeing them through God's eyes. God is working in their lives and they are slowly coming to realize it.

I can't believe I've only known them for a week...

Everything is going so fast. It's simply mind-blowing. I'm becoming more aware of the fact that I need to be more aware. I came across a quote the other day in class. "A Christian should have a Bible in one hand and the newspaper in the other." (Karl Barth). So much for avoiding the media... How am I supposed to reach out to people if I don't even know what's going on? That's what I thought.

In class today we were talking about the characteristics of God and of people. A very wonderful little lady said "Human beings are the corrupt image of a good God." Wow. We are still broken, still fallen, still hurting, and yet still created in God's image. Thank You, Lord.

We still have value.
We are hurting children.
God is steadfast.
God is Father.

We, who know the Father, are to reach out to those who are hurting - the lost
. . . driven by love and compassion.

Rick Warren said...

"It's time for Christians to be known for love. . . Yes, we're in a battle of values. But those people who disagree with us aren't the enemy, they're the mission field."

"People aren't turned off to Jesus, they're just tired of Christians who don't really follow him."

WE are human DOINGS...not human BEINGS.

. . . stay tuned for more cheezy lines I pick up in school . . .

I am on a tangent today. My brain is going in a couple million directions, and they're all pointing in the same direction. Whoa. I feel so energized and passionate and at the same time, I'm about ready for bed. I want to go out into the world preaching the Good News and praying for people and yet I have so much homework. I'm excited about my homework because I'm learning so much about the Lord. I'm learning so much about the Lord and I want to go out and serve Him. My Spirit is overflowing. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. But I'm enjoying every moment of it...

Yar!

Planned Sponteneity??

2006-10-23T09:18:00.000-03:00

Last Wednesday I started going to this young adults group with Skyy. It was a pretty wicked time. It was really great to see how these kids (sort of) were really opening up and stuff. I mean, I don't really know, because it was my first time, but I'd been told what it was like in previous weeks. But anyways, that was just the beginning of my night. (That's me with the cute little kitty that was there).

Afterwards we went to Timmy Ho's, where Skyy was told that she needed to go to the hospital for her infection. So I had this tug at my heart that I should go with her, which is absolutely ridiculous seeing as I had class the next morning. But I went anyways, because I'm one that enjoys spontaneity. So we went...and waited..(that's Skyy and I in the waiting room being ridiculous)...and as we waited we laughed hysterically read the Bible randomly outloud, read from 'Under the Overpass', went on many smoke breaks in which I did not smoke. This is where we met 'Crazy Ryan'. He came out and sat next to us, so we started talking. After only a slight bit of prodding, (seriously), he just started to pour out his heart to us about why he was in the hospital. Turns out that we've had quite a few similar experiences and I was able to share with him how I'd been through the same kind of thing and how God had totally gotten me though it. He seemed pretty intrigued. Skyy gave him her number and told him that he should call her and come to church with us or something. Then we waited a bunch more.

The next day I was praying for him and I just totally felt like we were supposed to go and visit him. So today after church, Skyy and I went to go visit him. I'd been praying for him all morning, that God would prepare his heart and that he wouldn't be too weirded out by our visit. He was so appreciative. He kept on thanking us for coming to see him. I don't think that anyways has gone to see him. Then he brought up going to church...which was totally sweet because we were on our way to uptown afterwards. So we went. He was so into it. I could hear him singing. Afterwards he said that had been the first time that he'd heard a sermon that actually made sense to him. And he said that he'd like to come back next week. So right now, I'm completely wired. God is so crazy! He keeps on blowing my mind. When Skyy and I were waiting, it turns out that her file had been stuck in with someone elses. If it hadn't, we would have gotten in within the first hour. If it hadn't, we wouldn't have talked to Crazy Ryan. If it hadn't, we wouldn't have had a crazy bonding night.

God is so good and faithful.
He's crazy too.
And He thinks I'm awesome.

Transfiguration

2006-10-17T12:16:00.000-03:00

Luke 9:28-36.

There are so many big and important things in this passage. But the one thing that kept on sticking out to me was Peter's response to seeing Moses and Elijah with Jesus. The first and only thing that he says is, “Master, it is good for us to be here. Let us make three tents – one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah.” This statement says two things. First, it says that Peter still doesn't get it. Sometimes he seems to understand who Jesus is, and sometimes he really doesn't. This time, even though Jesus has transformed as is revealing His true nature, Peter straight out puts Jesus on the same level as Moses and Elijah, and he blows it. The second thing this statement says is that Peter is so excited about this experience on the mountaintop that he forgets about what it is that they are working to do. He forgets about reaching out to the poor, the sick and the hungry.

Sometimes we can get so carried away about the feelings we're getting from God that we lose sight of what it is that we are called to do. Now don't get me wrong. Encounters with the Holy Spirit are not a bad thing. In fact, they're amazing! God blesses us with experiences in order to bring us closer to Him. Jesus brought Peter, John and James with Him to the mountain. He knew what they would see and that it would bring them great joy and excitement. God loves to see us happy. We dance around and laugh and feel lifted up. It's amazing and it is such a gift. But sometimes we can get so caught up by what we are feeling that we lose sight of where it is coming from and why we are experiencing it in the first place. As Keith would say, “We can make the experience of God our God.” The point isn't the feelings that we get when we worship. The point is worshiping God, pursuing Him and listening to Him. Right after Peter said these things to Jesus, a cloud covered them and God spoke to them, saying, “This is my Son, my Chosen One. Listen to Him.” Listen to Him and His call for your life. Not to the experience. It's all about His glory. When we pursue the rush of feelings that God blesses us with instead of pursing Him, then it just doesn't work. We measure our progress with God by our experiences instead of by our relationship with God. And eventually we don't get the feelings at all and we aren't being living sacrifices for God, we're trying to get something from Him.

About two weeks ago, I had my first encounter with the Holy Spirit. It was amazing! I was pumped for a whole week afterwards. It was sweetawesome! But then last week, I was having a crappy week. I'd worship God thinking that I would feel like that again. But I didn't. I wasn't focussing on God and bringing Him glory. I just wanted to get all slain out again. And so because I was thinking about those feelings instead of thinking about God, nothing happened. And I got all bummed out. But then I got this passage for my talk, and it all came flooding into view. Mountaintop experiences are wonderful gifts. They lift us up and set us on fire. They refresh us. But it isn't realistic or practical to think that we can stay on top of the mountain. We are to bring the good news into the world and practice it. Sometimes it's messy and it's hard, but it's real and it's worth it. And it's what we are called to do. Luke 4:18-19 says, “The spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.” The mountaintop is comforting. It's safe and warm and refreshing. But that's not what faith is about. In order to really step out in faith, we need to go down the mountain and get into the nitty gritty of the world and do it for Jesus.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You, it's all about You Jesus.
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You, it's all about You Jesus.

- Matt Redmon

Utter Peace and Joy

2006-10-17T12:00:00.000-03:00

God is so good. I have had the craziest week. And He keeps on blessing me. Today I had a service, a presentation in class, and an essay due. I did not think that I was going to get through it all. But God has provided for me. I was a little anxious about my talk and if it was what God wanted me to speak on. And then yesterday was just confirmation day. In every class I constantly had confirmation just chucked at my face. I couldn't even handle it! We had a gigglefest in class. I couldn't wait to get home and work on my assignments. Even then I thought that I would be up until two o'clock in the morning, and yet I had time to go to aerobics and then I was finished everything before nine o'clock! So crazy. We went over to the chapel to worship. Oh Lord! You are worthy of praise! I am so content. So satisfied. So saturated with God. He has filled me anew. He has set me on fire. I feel like I can accomplish anything. I am so blessed! I am inspired..

If I'm out of my mind, it's You.
'Cause I'm crazy in love with You!
Inebriated by You.
'Cause I'm head over heels with You!

- David Crowder

Adventures with the Holy Spirit

2006-10-07T19:39:00.000-03:00

This last week has been completely crazy. I can't even handle it. Well, I can, but you know. On Sunday night, I was preparing for my first chapel service the next morning. I was in the chapel just playing my guitar. And then I was getting really upset. I was angry with God that I was so afraid of losing control. I guess I was actually angry with myself for kinda blocking the Holy Spirit from myself. But either way, we ended up having quite a row. Needless to say, I lost.

Monday morning, I had my service and it went really well! But I was still feeling pretty weird all day. Monday night, Rob and Susan found out about my fight with God, and they took me over to the chapel to pray with me. It turns out that I had stuff other than fear between me and the Holy Spirit. So we prayed tons and I ended up manifesting all over the place. It was amazing! So intense! Ever since I've been a little loopy. Haha. Well more that I've just been so content and that I can't get this goofy smile off my face. It's just such a new experience; a transformation. I mean, I was in love with Jesus before, but now I'm in love with the Holy Spirit too. I feel so giddy! I'm so glad that I am surrounded by such an amazing community. I feel really blessed to be here. And I can't wait to see what's going to happen next!

Luke 6:43-49

2006-10-03T09:25:00.000-03:00

Every time I read this passage, I always think, “Ah, yes, it's important to have a strong foundation in Jesus or else we'll get swept away.” It's true. Our foundation is very important. We need to be rooted in God's word and we need to have an intimate relationship with Christ. We need to have integrity so that our hearts match our words and that our words match our actions. Verse 45 says this clearly. “for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” But so often, this is all that I really pay attention to and I just kind of brush past the rest of it. The thing is, that's not really what it says, is it. It says that everyone who hears His words and does them is like the man who built his house on the rock. So we actually have to do something. We can't just know the word of God, we have to practice it.

When it comes to really living a Christian life, so many people don't think about the fact that there is suffering involved. But without it, we can't really know Christ. Romans 8:17 says, “we share in His sufferings in order that may also share in His glory.” I was actually in my 1 Peter class when this hit me. Kim was quoting someone who said, “Suffering can refine faith just as fire can refine gold.” I was reminded of three different passages. I Peter 1:6-7 says, “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith – more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” This totally relates to the “floods” that arise in our lives. They arise in order to test our foundations in Jesus. When the stream breaks, it can either help us to grow stronger, or it can reveal the “evil treasure” in our hearts.

This brings me to the second passage I was reminded of. Romans 5:3-5 says, “We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” So our being “refined” is only revealed at the very end. We have to endure pain and suffering so that we can obtain hope in Christ Jesus. And this hope is Jesus gives us joy. James says “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” We should embrace our suffering because through it we find out what kind of foundation we really have. Isn't it better to suffer now and find out how strong our foundation is now instead of finding out in our judgment before God? The next time you are being tested and you can't figure out why, keep in mind that God has a greater purpose for your life than you do, and in order for you to get there, He has to make sure that you are ready.

I Saw Eternity

2006-10-03T09:13:00.000-03:00

I saw Eternity the other night,
Like a great ring of pure and endless light,
All calm, as it was bright;
And round beneath it, Time in hours, days, years,
Driv'n by the spheres
Like a vast shadow mov'd; in which the world
And all her train were hurl'd.
The doting lover in his quaintest strain
Did there complain;
Near him, his lute, his fancy, and his flights,
Wit's sour delights,
With gloves, and knots, the silly snares of pleasure,
Yet his dear treasure
All scatter'd lay, while he his eyes did pour
Upon a flow'r.

The darksome statesman hung with weights and woe,
Like a thick midnight-fog mov'd there so slow,
He did not stay, nor go;
Condemning thoughts (like sad eclipses) scowl
Upon his soul,And clouds of crying witnesses without
Pursued him with one shout.
Yet digg'd the mole, and lest his ways be found,
Work'd under ground,
Where he did clutch his prey; but one did see
That policy;
Churches and altars fed him; perjuries
Were gnats and flies;
It rain'd about him blood and tears, but he
Drank them as free.

The fearful miser on a heap of rust
Sate pining all his life there, did scarce trust
His own hands with the dust,
Yet would not place one piece above, but lives
In fear of thieves;
Thousands there were as frantic as himself,
And hugg'd each one his pelf;
The downright epicure plac'd heav'n in sense,
And scorn'd pretence,
While others, slipp'd into a wide excess,
Said little less;
The weaker sort slight, trivial wares enslave,
Who think them brave;
And poor despised Truth sate counting by
Their victory.

Yet some, who all this while did weep and sing,
And sing, and weep, soar'd up into the ring;
But most would use no wing.
O fools (said I) thus to prefer dark night
Before true light,
To live in grots and caves, and hate the day
Because it shews the way,
The way, which from this dead and dark up to God,
A way where you might tread the sun, and be
More bright than he.
But as I did their madness so discuss
One whisper'd thus,
"This ring the Bridegroom did for none provide,
But for his bride."

Henry Vaughan (1621?-1695)

How radical am I prepared to be?

2006-09-30T19:28:00.000-03:00

Dear Jesus.

Help me to be bothered by the things that bother You.

And show me how to make a difference.

Have you ever really thought about how much you effect everyone around you, all the time? It's kind of weird to think about, but seriously, so important. People seem to be constantly going through the phase where they don't want to care what people around them think. So they go and do whatever they please, whether it's good or bad for themselves or for anyone else. I kind of have mixed feelings on this. I think that it's really good to not be swayed about what people think is strange or weird, because that can be such a limiting thing. So yeah, don't give a flying hoot as to what people think about you when you're doing things that you care about. But when it comes to not caring how it really effects people around you, and it gets to the point where you're screaming profanities in public places or dressing scantily or pushing people around..then maybe it's time for what other people think to matter. Honestly, I care a lot about what people think of me. But I care more about what God thinks. If it came between other people and God, then there wouldn't even be a decision, it would just Be God. I mean, if we don't value God, we diminish Him. And in doing so, we are diminished. If we believe that our lives affect people, we either reflect the glory of God or prevent it from being seen. How's it gonna be?